Last Supper

Another two weeks has come and gone...and tomorrow begins another round of chemo treatment for Ben. This will be treatment number 8. 4 more to go. We are starting to get used to the routine that is our life, right now. The Tuesday before chemo-Wednesday, Ben usually calls in the afternoon sometime to talk about what we should do that evening. Today, we decided on dinner at the Chinese Kitchen at Dillons and driving around Clinton Lake to scope out the best camp sites for spring/summer. We will be done with chemo at the end of April, so we have lots of plans for the summer. Nothing major...just all the "normal" things that we'll get to do because Ben won't be spending 2 weeks out of every month in bed. Camping at the lake 5 minutes away from home is at the top of the list! Dinner on Tuesday night is always dubbed, "the last supper" for obvious reasons.

A few people have mentioned that they missed reading a new blog post from Ben. I haven't talked to him about it but I'm pretty sure there are two reasons for the missing post. #1 - His last chemo treatment sucked. Did I say it sucked? It sucked. He went into that session with his lowest white-blood-cell counts to date. Docs talked about suspending treatment a week but ultimately decided to forge ahead, as scheduled. We are starting to notice a correlation between his WBC count and the severity of chemo side-effects or symptoms. Not sure about Ben, but sometimes when I'm in the thick of life, I find that I don't have much to say...My spirit is quiet, I'm doing more listening...to God, an uplifting song, an encouraging friend. #2 - A week after chemo, he started to rebound and then we had a surprise visit from our dear friends all the way from Colorado. We were too busy, enjoying our healthy days and catching up with our peeps to sit in front of a computer. :)

Besides a crappy chemo session, February has actually been a month of healing and blessings for us. We have been blessed by many friends and family as they pour out their love on us in various ways...everything from a hot meal to a oceanfront view of a Hawaiian sunset...and an encouraging email or visit or phone call in the middle. Each and every expression of love for us has been a blessing. I have to tell you that Ben and I have "fended for ourselves" for so long that it is so strange to be on the other side of things, needing help. I have often struggled with thoughts about how I didn't deserve the blessings - they should go to someone else - because someone else is always worse-off. Our situation isn't THAT bad. God has been gently nudging me that this is wrong thinking. We all will go through trials of some sort in life. If you haven't experienced anything major yet, just give it time. Not meant to depress you. But truly, I thought I had enough heartache for a life time following my little brother's tragic death. Subconsciously, I was untouchable from that point on because God wouldn't possibly allow more tradegy or heartache to come my way. Um, no. My mom is the perfect example of how wrong I was. Her daddy died of a heart attack when she was in 7th grade. Done, end of story...no more heart ache needed, thank you. Then her sister died in a tragic accident while they were both in their 30's. Then her son died in yet another tragic accident when he was just 23. Heavy stuff...yet she has been able to restore joy to her heart and live victoriously despite the heartaches. I'm seriously bunny-trailing it but it's all to point out (to myself, mainly) that there is an ebb and flow to life...and no one is immune. So, the lesson that I'm learning (haven't LEARNED...just learning) is that if I'm blessed by someone during my struggle, then I am given the privilege to in-turn, bless them when they are in their valley AND bless others in the meantime. So, if you have been blessed by me lately in any form...rest assured that it's not because I have it all together or I have a ton of energy or time or money, frankly...it's mainly because it's my privilege and responsibility. My neighbor said, "It blesses me to bless others." Exactly.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this. I'm tired and need to go to bed. Two things to impart...break out of your freaking bubble and start helping people around you that really need it...especially if life is going great for you right now! ESPECIALLY. And the other is that Ben and I are so very grateful to you, our friends and family, for loving on us in tangible ways while we walk through our valley. You know who you are. You know what you've done. Our hearts are full with gratitude.