Big and Lil Posts: March 2012

My, my. Long time, no talk. So, a couple of treatments have come and gone. I apologize for my negligence. As Kacy has mentioned, the treatment after our Hawaii trip left me a little beat up. Of course I had just enough time to recover from that before I went right into another round of poisoning. Luckily this round isn’t near as bad. It’s Tuesday, and I’m pretty much back to my regular old “sunshine” self. I’ve got a ton to share with you, so this blog is bound to be all over the place. You’ve been warned.

Before getting into the details of white blood cell counts, endless days spent in bed, and what it really means to prefer having cancer rather than go through Chemotherapy (if you’ve had both, you understand that comment), I’ll take this opportunity to try and describe what it felt like to be able to travel to one of the most beautiful places on this planet in such grand style. If you’re not familiar with Kauai, google it, because I can’t explain all there is to see and do there, as well as the inner health you can find in such a place surrounded by the best people. We stayed at a friend’s place, which is affectionately known as the “Teak House” because it’s made of 100% Teak. If you’re not familiar with that, don’t bother to “Alt/Tab” to your favorite search engine…Teak is a type of wood. A really, really nice kind of wood. Seriously, even the blinds are wood, and not that fake wood crap that you buy at a department store. I’m not judging, we’ve got those same crappy blinds in our house that are overpriced and never raise or lower in a linear fashion. These particular blinds are even wired up James Bond style so you can open and close them from your bed. There’s even an Ipad App for that. Go figure. I might add that the remote access is super handy when you get a hankering to prance around naked because you’re excited and you’re in Kauai. Don’t judge me. Not only is the place totally beautiful, but its situated on a great beach (which is famous by the way) on which you can surf, paddleboard, scuba dive, have a legit bonfire, fly fish, and hike in the majestic splendor of the Na Pali Coast trail. And, as if that Postcard could get any cooler, we got to spend almost two entire weeks with some of our best friends who put up with all of my Chemo whining, and who endured our childish awe upon arriving. Seriously, in this one trip we ticked off several of our “bucket list” items, and even ticked off a few that we didn’t even think to add in the first place. I mean, Linkan got to fly a plane! Well, alright let’s keep this real; she got to turn a knob that turned the plane a little bit. BUT, as far as I’m concerned I’ve got the youngest pilot known to man living in my house. Yep, she’ll do big things, and it all started with a jet ride to Kauai! I was truly blessed to feel really good during our trip, and I managed to stay pretty active the whole time. We did hike a small section of the Na Pali Coast trail, I learned to surf (sort of), and Kacy and I even got to go Scuba Diving with a Hawaiian Monk Seal (an endangered species). He was a curious little dude (I estimate he was about 400 pounds and 7 feet long). He was our most interesting dive partner to date; even topping a perverted Jamaican Dive Master that had a curious obsession with Sea Cucumbers (let your imagination run wild on that one). The Monk Seal swam circles around us as we dove along the lava tubes right off the beach. After our dive, it was like a Corona commercial. I lugged the gear all of 50 feet to the beach chairs, sat down, and had a beer. Amazing. I was even inspired to get more serious about pursuing my dream to become a Dive Master, and eventually be able to teach Scuba Diving. At this stage in my career, I can go back and get my MBA, or choose to spend that time mastering the trade of diving so that I can take my family and others on adventure vacations for years into the future. Maybe not the most “mature” decision but dude, we only get one shot at this so you might as well go for broke. Maybe there’s still an MBA in there for me somewhere, but I’d rather spend the next couple of years enjoying the ride. Enough about that, this blog is already getting lengthy.

After our time in paradise, we returned home at about 1am on the day of my next scheduled treatment. Sweet. I went in to my treatment a little tired, but figured I was just being a big baby after returning back to real life. As it turns out, my counts were low. Really low. What really concerned the Doc was my low Neutrophil numbers (which are reportedly the most important type of white blood cell). I guess normal people have a count above 1500, and I was around 200. Whatever that means. Of course, I’m just spewing what the Doc was telling me, but reportedly they typically don’t treat people with counts as low as mine were. We had a “substitute” Doc on that particular day, so I twisted her arm and told her that we should just get the party started. She consulted with my primary Oncologist and he was down for it, so we went ahead with the treatment. Me and my primary Doc are on the same page when it comes to these treatments. I prefer to push as far as I possibly can (as does he) in lieu of postponing treatments. Boy, did I pay for this one. The effects were immediate. I went home and crashed for about 6 days. Seriously, I barely moved. If I would have had the foresight to have my infamous mountain “pee bottle” unpacked and by my side, I wouldn’t have left the bed. If you missed the “pee bottle” story, you’re way behind….go back to my earlier blogs. In the end, I finally found out what all the fuss is about Chemotherapy. It really sucks. I missed my training run last Sunday, and as a result I don’t think I’ll be ready for that trail marathon coming up. It was always going to be a run/walk pace at best, and I needed every possible opportunity to train for it. I’ll just push it to next year. As you could imagine, with long distance running, you’re at a higher risk for all sorts of things (stress fractures, ligament damage, etc.) if you don’t train correctly. That’s all I need right now. No sweat either way, and no regrets. I’d do it the same exact way if given another shot at it. There’s only one way to get through this, and that’s to keep moving through the process. Per the usual, Kacy has been right here by my side with 2 screaming babies in tow, baby wipes at the ready, and my pill bottles in hand. I am the luckiest man in the building.

That pretty much brings us to today. My counts weren’t as low this last Wednesday (treatment day), at least the Doc didn’t mention them, so I didn’t ask. Why bother. It’s all relative. I feel good this time around, so what difference does it make to know what the counts are? I keep relating this process to climbing mountains….if you feel good, it doesn’t matter if you’re at 10,000 feet, or 20,000 feet. Just enjoy it either way, and be thankful that you aren’t the guy losing his lunch on the side of the trail. I have to admit, I’m totally over this. I long for the days of “normal”. Or at least my version of “normal”. It’s as if everything has been put on hold for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I think Kacy and I have weathered this pretty well (and will continue to do so), but enough already. It’s frustrating to have so many trivial tasks and chores become major obstacles. I’m humbled for sure, but I’m a little tired of being in a Chemo stupor all the time. Work is going well, but I’m certainly not as sharp as I’m used to being. Let’s be honest, I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box to begin with. At home I’m the definition and shining example of “inept husbandry”. I’d start a self help group or maybe even sponsor an independent mailer on the topic, but the independent Christian film industry has the market cornered on exposing the typical American male shortcomings. Alright, maybe that was a low blow. Conviction is a beeotch, but seriously do we need another film exposing just how worthless we are? We’re fat, we’re lazy, and the sooner everyone comes to terms with that the better off we’ll all be. Of course I’m joking when I say all of this. If you’re grinding your teeth and clutching your latest Focus on the Family newsletter, just relax I’m getting to my point.

Cancer and more painfully Chemo has forced me to reflect on my weaknesses. Through this process, it’s clear that I do an entirely poor and inadequate job of engaging my Faith in my times of trial. In doing so, I’ve set a bad example for my family and my friends. For those of you who know me best, I would ask if you could imagine my motto being “resilience above all”? That’s a rhetorical question, and not a boast. Of course that’s my motto…that’s my spirit. However, let’s air the bad with the good. Does that include resilience above my health, above my loved ones, and above my Faith? Guilty. I can do anything I put my mind to, and that’s the sad part. I put my mind to the task before my heart has consulted my God. My “can do” attitude and arrogance in times of pain can be entirely worthwhile when I’m running an Ironman, but I don’t do Ironmans every day. I’m a model to my wife, my kids, and my friends every day. And, let’s really add fuel to this fire…..how about when Kacy and I are faced with a tough life decision? Need an example? How about the decision to move from Kansas to Colorado, and then back to Kansas in a 3-year period? How about when I get a phone call from my Doctor and he says I have Lymphoma? Was my first reaction to pray to God, or grit my teeth and say “I got this”? I didn’t hit my knees I prayer; frankly I didn’t even bat an eye because “I’ve got this”. Am I seeking God’s will? Let’s lower the bar a bit, am I at the very least seeking God’s strength and guidance? Some of you might gasp at this, but I’ll be totally transparent here, I don’t even know where my bible is. Is it in that box labeled “old books” in our storage room? After our move to Kansas, I made sure to find our DVD’s but skipped the Bible. Oops. Granted, in this great “tech” era who wants to carry around a clunky bible when you can just download the App, or google it. Besides, it’s way fun to play Angry Birds in church (just kidding). But, during those sleepless nights when the Chemo drugs make me sick, and the steroids keep me awake, do I seek out God’s word, or do I just log into my NetFlix account and click on the “watch instantly” tab. Now, now…it’s not all doom and gloom. I’m not writhing with guilt and personal anguish. And, yes I’ve prayed and talked with God about my cancer and my recovery. I’m not totally lawless, here. I’m just realizing that I’m a fraud and I’d really like to do something about it. Unless I’m running an Ironman, or climbing a mountain somewhere, I intend to hand the reins over to God every now and again (baby steps). I guess I’d better learn to do the little things before life forces me to deal with the big things. And no, I don’t consider having Hodgkins a “big thing”. Raising 2 kids, being a leader for my family, and being the best Husband possible is a “big thing”. Don’t sweat it….sigh….I got this.