Radical Commitment

We are enjoying our last moments of good health tonight, knowing that the fun begins again tomorrow with round #5 of chemo for Ben.  We told a friend the other day that we live a life of extremes right now.  One week, stuff sucks...and then the next week, we're back to normal and enjoying our time together.  It's a really strange thing to walk through.  My emotions get confused, is all I'm saying! :)

So, anyway...this past weekend (good weekend - health wise), we were busy around the house trying to catch up and also trying to slowly put our house together.  We moved in at the end of July, had Palmer less than 2 weeks later and then Ben was diagnosed with cancer in November.  I'm definitely using all those things as excuses why it's 6 months later and it still looks like we just moved in.  It makes me feel better anyway. :)  In the middle of all that, Ben stopped everything to address me - seriously - about an observation and/or pattern he noticed in me....related to how I prioritize my time and energy.  He wasn't too far into the conversation when tears started rolling down my face....for two reasons.  One - because he was right and I felt convicted and remorseful.  (When I have those moments in my life, it makes me wonder why I needed someone to point out something that I already knew but wasn't willing to acknowledge???) Bottom line, I was caught in a cycle of wrong-thinking and allowing myself to get sucked along.  But more than anything, I was crying because I felt really loved.  Really, REALLY loved.  He approached me with genuine sincerity, gentleness and concern.  No judgement...just my best friend trying to help me be a better person - to live more intentionally.  There was no room...no desire for me to be defensive or angry.  As I was crying, I truly was thinking that in that moment, I was given a glimpse of my Heavenly Father's love for me.  Pure and unconditional...truth yet grace.  I read an article the next day that, I'm sure, was written just for me (ha).  The author said it better than I could have:

The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.

We aren't perfect.  Our marriage isn't perfect.  We get some things right and some things wrong.  But sometimes, we live out our love for each other exactly as God intended...and it reminds me exactly why God created such a beautiful thing in the first place.  Our journey through cancer and treatment together has not been a walk in the park but I'm thankful for the character-building lessons that it presents.  I'm thankful for Ben - for his radical truthfulness and radical, unconditional commitment to me...allowing me to experience God's transforming love for me at a human level.

Circa 1999 - Nashville, TN