What a great couple of weeks! I managed to run a few times, complete some
cool projects at work, my beard is really starting to make me look like a
vagrant (that is part of the fun for me), AND I ate enough horrible food to
render the arteries of any mere mortal completely useless Good thing I can’t be killed by conventional
weapons! I have to admit that I told a
lie in my first blog. Apparently, I’ve
got more to say than I had originally thought.
It’s sort of like joining my own personal quilting guild. I don’t know what happens when a room full of
women gets together to sew quilts, but I would imagine it doesn’t involve
pillow fights and jumping on the bed. Maybe
I’m wrong, quilters please comment. If
you talk about deep thoughts or maybe even how strange it was for your husband
to purchase yet another shotgun (my own weakness is backpacks and climbing
gear) I’d like to know! So, today’s blog
will be long…grab a cookie and a glass of milk cuz’ you’ll need them.
A couple of disclaimers about today’s blog; it could offend
some of you for various reasons, and none of my thoughts are open for debate on
this particular forum. Debate them
amongst yourselves elsewhere but leave me out of it. I absolutely LOVE your comments (and want
them!), but this isn’t High School debate club, and I’m not interested in
boring the rest of the folks reading this blog with yet another anonymous
peeing match on the internet. We all
know that most people would never dare say just 10% of the stuff that they
often click and clack out onto the internet.
That “Send/Submit” button can be just as lethal as a loaded gun, so just
stick with me. Besides, I haven’t even
really figured out how to “reply” to your comments. Kacy showed me, but I’ve long since
forgot. Rest assured that I’m not
writing about anything naughty, but the content is just a bit more mature than
normal. Of course it won’t all be
serious and meaningful as there are plenty of my worthless outbursts and
remarks included. I only warn you just
in case you’ve got a young one that’s reading or if you have a habit of
responding to everyone on the internet as if you know them well enough to throw
dirt at them. For the latter, shame on
you, and I’m seriously cold and dead inside so don’t bother. Part of me will always be that guy in the
locker room that thinks that it’s funny to dump 5 gallons of ice water into on
occupied toilet stall before football practice.
Sorry, I’m totally weak. Oh yeah,
and try finding some useable toilet paper after that deluge. So, in an effort to force you to read through
all my boring medical stuff BEFORE I really say something that disappoints you! Let’s
start with this week’s status report.
“I am Ben’s weakened immune system. As I get weaker, anyone could kill Ben by
coughing on his food. Please don’t cough
on Ben’s food; it’s gross and now potentially deadly.” Of course I’m just being dramatic. Your coughing won’t kill me unless you’re
infected with some sort of serious contagious disease. If that’s the case, I’m sure to die…slowly….jerk
face. If you fit that description, stay
away from my freakin’ hamburger.
Seriously, I’m a bit weak, but I’ll still knock the snot out of
you.
As the weeks progress, I begin to realize that some things
simply aren’t going to happen as I had planned this Holiday season. Festive outdoor lights on my house, long
walks down Mass Street admiring the pretty decorations, Christmas shopping, ah….the
good life. Yeah, right. Please see the comment above about me dying a
slow death. I did sneak out for an hour
to the mall, but I walked around with my gloves on and I didn’t touch a single
door. Imagine the distressed looks from
others when I stood outside the entrance and waited for someone to open the
door. Follow that up with a quick (and
somewhat assertive) move to slide through the door before those 200 pound doors
close on my foot, and you’re liable to get pepper sprayed. Who made those freakin’ doors? Vikings?
Seriously, I felt like Indiana Jones (the young one, not the played out old
and crusty one) swiping his hat under the big stone wall at the last
second. This scenario was actually made
more real by the fact that I now own a legit Indiana Jones hat. Thanks L-dawg (if you’re reading this). And, for those of you that did/will get
presents from us…..moment of truth, here…that’s all Kacy. It’s a good thing that she’s such an amazing
woman, because I need all the help I can get right now. You’d be getting rolls of electric tape and
old screw drivers if it wasn’t for her.
Mornings seem to have slowed down quite a bit as I’ve added
a few rituals to the mix. For starters,
as soon as I wake up I have to stretch out my left arm. I’m seeing a Physical Therapist next week
about this (Mom, don’t worry) but as a result of my lymph node removal I can
feel a really tight pull from my armpit up to my elbow when I straighten my arm. I can literally see a strange “cord” protruding
from my skin as I stretch my arm and pull it tight. It’s pretty goofy looking, but manageable as
I just grunt through the stretching. Sometimes
I’m rewarded for my efforts by a significant “snap” and tearing sensation. From what I can tell, this is quite
normal. I think its pretty rad, but Kacy
isn’t so sure. Again, don’t worry I’m
seeking professional help on this. After
the stretching comes my cereal. I used
to be able to eat as I drove to work; obviously underestimating the sensitivity
of breakfast. I’m now convinced that
breakfast is not a meal, but more like a mean and angry Russian woman that is making
me pay dearly for my contempt. In short,
if I don’t respect Breakfast, she makes my life very difficult. In addition to the stretching, grunting, and
diet mismanagement mentioned above, it takes me quite some time to “do” my hair
and comb my beard as they both keep getting longer. I’m actually looking forward to the day on
which I get to shave my head. By the
way, ETA on that? Stay tuned! After primping my new “do” and fugly beard,
I’m good to go. Well, good to go after I
wander around for a bit making sure that I didn’t forget anything
important. Chemo has apparently started
working on the brain cells that I haven’t killed already. The real bummer is that I have avoided
smoking dope my whole life, in part to protect my short term memory. Apparently cancer had different plans. I can’t wait until that medicinal
prescription comes through. See you at
4:20, the ban has been lifted!
Next, I can’t stop eating everything in sight, as it’s the
only thing that settles my stomach and gets this drug/chemical taste out of my
mouth. They tell me this is normal. Insert expletive here. Consequently, I’m going to end up shopping at
the Big and Tall men’s shop. And, for
those of you who have never set foot in one of those places, when they say Big
and Tall…..they don’t mean Big people and Tall people. They mean some hideously perverse combination
of the two. The shop should just be called “If I can catch
you, I’ll physically kill you….Silverback style.” I can poke fun because I’ve been there. If none of you knew me when I was fat, just
wait a few months as I’m sure to start tipping the scales again. It’ll be easy enough to spot me. Just look for the “Big and Tall” guy crushing
Egg Rolls and General Tao’s Chicken like he’s underwater and those little
morsels of heaven are made of Oxygen.
Goals for 2011: beat cancer. Goals
for 2012: survive open heart surgery and have my stomach stapled.
And finally, no mouth sores yet. After this last round I really haven’t even
had any mouth pains at all. But, I’m sure
that this condition will return to try and finish me off. I actually broke up with a girlfriend in
college because she had canker sores.
Karma is a serious beeotch, and I’m not going to be escaping that
one. I totally deserve it, and to that
girl, if you’re reading this (you know who you are) I’m sorry….for several
things. My bad. I guess you got the last laugh…matter of
fact, I think I can hear you. Enjoy
hell, I hear that it’s a dry heat and they have HBO there. I digress.
As for the mood of the Chemo treatments, it’s still pretty
good. Although, as I walk through the
Cancer Treatment center it’s apparently obvious that everyone makes each other
a tad uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable
in the sense that people are grouchy or rude.
It’s more like the uncomfortable feeling when you’re approaching someone
on a deserted sidewalk. You both know that
the other is avoiding making eye contact first.
You can’t commit until you know that the other person is engaged. Look up too soon and you appear too eager, the
moment is wasted. Too late, and you’ll wonder
if your zipper was down and they were just too embarrassed to say
anything. You follow with an embarrassingly
obvious “fly check” and the person that is sitting on the bench nearby shouts
for their kids to take cover and a bunch of Boy Scouts attack you with
sticks. Sigh, we’ve all been there. In the end, all we want anyone to do is just look
up and say, “hey”. Trust me, adopt this
as your standard and you’ll meet a lot of happy and interesting people. Worst case, you say “hey” to a crazy person
and they try to bite you. No problem,
just get a tetanus shot and dive in.
Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for; Deep Thoughts, by Ben Post-hole-digger. As with any substantial thought provoking
conversation in the Midwest, it all begins with NPR. For those of you who don’t spend some time in
your car ever day, NPR is a common media outlet for any over-privileged and
sheltered Midwesterner. I admit it, the
fact that I’m typing on a computer in a heated room makes me over-privileged. Crap, I even have the TV on as I type
this. Go figure.
I heard a heartbreaking story about a gay man living alone
in San Francisco. At one time he and his
husband were living in Paris together, and unfortunately his husband died of
HIV-AIDS. They were totally regular dudes
(yes, gay guys are regular dudes…get to know a gay man and you’ll understand)
and one of them had just died of HIV-AIDS.
That’s certainly life throwing big hurdles in your path. It doesn’t get any more real. It was incredibly sad to hear the story of
their lives together and how it tragically came to an end. They loved each other, really loved each other. And, of course since cancer has forced me to
enter the ranks of everyone else on this Earth that will someday die (um, for
those who are still awake, that’s ALL of you) I got pretty reflective about the
whole deal. Here were these guys that
were totally in love with each other.
Sure, their lifestyles are perceived as wrong by many, and maybe even
forbidden. But, these guys were truly in
love. It wasn’t infatuation or obsession. Seriously, I wish all of us straight/married
people out there could love our spouses to that degree. Spoiler alert! Just because you’re straight and married
doesn’t mean that you’re living out God’s will any more appropriately than a
gay couple. Yikes! That’s a scary thought, huh? I believe that God put us on this Earth to
serve and love Him above all, and serve and Love our fellow man after
that. Of course, if we all did a perfect
job of Loving and serving God, everything else would fall into place. But, we fall short. We ALL do.
That point is not controversial.
That’s simple truth. Granted,
some people are total rock stars and love God and other people to near
perfection. And, if you’re telling
yourself that you’re one of those people….sorry, but you’re not. I’m certainly not. Those folks that are really killin’ it
(killin’ it is a good thing) are out there wading hip deep in the World’s real
problems and are way too busy to give a second thought about how good of a job
they’re doing. In the end, where I ended
up was in a place that I felt called to treat people, all people, much better
than I ever have. I need to make an
attempt to spread Love, NOT anger, negativity, judgments, or worry. Some of you know me well enough to know that
there is someone in my life that helps me through this struggle. Her name is Kacy. Thanks Love, for all that you do for me. You make me better every day. I mean, for goodness sake, she feeds me
Tylenol PM like I’m a baby bird. Of
course she doesn’t chew them up first, as that would just be over the top.
It’s
critically important for us to love and be loved. We must be invested in someone deeply enough
to make sacrifices and lose our sense of self.
I’m not referring to infatuations or mere obsessions, but real
love. We may not do it correctly, and
often we don’t, but these are certainly some of God’s intentions for us. As individuals we have a responsibility to
decide how we want to treat people. If
we treat people bad, we’re missing the mark and not fulfilling our purpose. Not fulfilling our moral obligation. Simply put, make an effort to treat all people
better. It’s our most important calling. If they’re living a lifestyle that you don’t
like, realize that the opposite is likely true (ouch, that one hurt). Go easy on the guy that’s talking on his phone
in traffic. After all, he may be on the
phone with his Doctor and he just learned that he has cancer. I’ve been there. Just a bit of advice, however, do steer away
from him, as some of us really take the whole “cancer call” pretty badly. Honking the horn and screaming obscenities
just makes you look stupid. Save that
for the McDonald’s drive through when they put onions on what was supposed to
be your funk free burger.
Our Pastor, Ty Cross, delivered an excellent sermon a couple
of weeks ago. He made a point that certainly
resonated with me. That point; we must
submit our righteousness in order to do what is right. A quick disclaimer, I want to make clear that
what follows are my THOUGHTS on Ty’s message.
Ty conceivably might NOT (and even quite probably WILL NOT) agree with
what I’m saying. Sorry Ty, but your
words really got me thinking. It’s also
important to explain that Ty’s message was about Mary’s (Mary being Jesus’s Mom….not
the Mary that you went to High School with) pregnancy and her husband Joseph’s response. Imagine Joseph’s inner thoughts when his wife
said, “Hey, although we’ve never….you know….(wink, wink…..waaaiiiit for it)……I’m
pregnant!”. I know what MY reaction
would be. So, we never, uh…you know, “did
it”, and you’re pregnant? I’m on the
first bus to Vegas to smoke crack and gamble my savings away. But, to make a long and obvious story short
(think about it, all of those nativity scenes can’t be wrong), Joseph stuck it
out, and behold, he ends up with a real gem of a kid in a manger that we all
know as Jesus. Righteousness isn’t inherently
wrong. However, pair it with our human
imperfections and you can get some pretty nasty results. Judgment, contradictions, rigidity,
close-mindedness, wars, murder, physical and emotional abuse, pretty much all
of the nastiest things on this Earth can be attributed to us, all of us ,
misusing and abusing our righteousness. Christianity
is simply an easy target. As a
Christian, I don’t believe that we’re the only group that has missed the mark
on this one. Unfortunately, as a whole,
we’re the most visible and if we were to grade ourselves we would test out in
the lowest 10%, I’m sure. For you
Christians that don’t agree with me, “Hi, my name is reality and I’m here to ‘out’
you”. And, to direct some of my criticism
inward, I’ve got my own issues. I definitely don’t want to come off as an enlightened
and special snowflake, because I’m certainly not. I screw this up every day in my relationships
with my friends and loved ones. Bottom
line, it takes work to treat people right, in spite of your own righteousness. It takes wisdom to know how to balance your
faith with a “right” approach to the world.
Be careful how you use your faith.
Example? Go stand in front of a
Wal-Mart and tell everyone within earshot that there was a guy named Jonah that
lived in a whale. Still wondering why people
think that Christians are crazy? I
believe in the Righteousness of this topic, however, this is not the right
place to start. Start with Love in your
heart, real Love. Genuine and meaningful
dialogue will follow. It just might
surprise you where you end up. In the
words of the legendary “Rufus” in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, “Be
excellent to each other.” If you haven’t
seen the movie, the underlying message is genius. And, remember, as you’re walking down that
awkward sidewalk of life, lift your head up and say “hey” every now and
again. Everyone could use a smile, even
if they don’t know it yet.
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| Before Cancer/Chemo |
After Cancer/Chemo
