Ben's 35th Birthday

I'll love you for a thousand more...

Beaver Lake

After many invites, we were finally able to make it down to Keith's place on Beaver Lake in Arkansas.  It's only a 4 hour drive from us...although it took us 7 hours on the way there on Friday.  Sigh...that's just how we roll with two kids in tow. :)  It was worth it!  Most of all, it was great to spend time with our dear friend.  His place is just beautiful, with amazing views on a peaceful cove of the lake.  I really wanted to stay longer (forever)!  We took boat rides, threw rocks in the lake (Linkan's personal favorite), drove to the White River, took a long nap, drank good wine, ate big juicy steaks (and chicken, and hot dogs, and CHRISTMAS CHILI!! ha), and enjoyed the company of Keith and his lone companion, Kip (coolest dog on the planet).  It was a relaxing weekend - the perfect way to gear up for Ben's last chemo treatment on Wednesday. 

Linkan & Kip (man, she loves that dog!)

Driving the boat with Keith. Funniest story ever when Linkan throttled the boat before anyone knew what hit them.  Kip almost ended up in the lake and after the shock wore off, we couldn't stop giggling. 

Beautiful sunset cruise

Posing with our captain

Life is good :)

Snuggle bums!

Doing "chubby" on dad

Doing "chubby" on Palmer.

Lots of giggles

Kissy face!

Just doing what her dad told her to do. "Linkan, lick Palmer's face!"

Keith didn't think he was pretty enough for pictures but I made him do it anyway! ;) Love you, bud!

Easter 2012

This is the first Easter in quite a few years that we have been able to spend with family.  We spent the day (which was so perfectly beautiful) with Grams and Gramps, eating Gramps' super yummy smoked pork, hunting for eggs, and fishing in the pond.  Linkan was quick to corrected me...she told me that it was not a "stone" that was rolled away...it was a "BIIIIIIIG rock!" 

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us so that we wouldn't have to.  Because of this precious gift, we have the promise of no more pain and sickness and the blessed reunion with our loved ones that have passed on.

Opening all the presents that the "Easter bunny" brought

Looting the easter candy...

Gramps' and Linkan's catch

Dad's catch...hahahaha

Mom's catch

Chemo Treatment #10: Choke & Puke

Hey all.  Seems like I’m slacking on my blogging duties as of late.  I find as time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult to carve out time to update you all on my progress.  Sorry about that.  Initially, it was a good escape for me to type out my thoughts every other Wednesday as I was pumped full of drugs and forced to sit idly by as the life saving process of Chemotherapy threw me into a 4-day hangover.  A penance, mind you, that is not served up voluntarily and is certainly not the result of drinking good Gin served on the rocks with a twist (my personal favorite way to be naughty).  Sadly enough, my Wednesday treatments have turned into more of a vomit fest followed by a drug induced nap/stupor.  It’s the strangest thing.  Of course I feel nauseous after my treatment, that’s typical, but now I have a significant physical response to the smells and tastes I associate with my treatments.  It’s all in my head, I suppose, and is just an outward expression of some sort of weakness within my cerebral cortex that I have to exorcise (yes I’m trying to use big words to impress you all), but I have an uncontrollable gag reflex when treatment begins that has resulted in some exciting moments in the Chemo ward.  Rest assured that the condition subsides after my treatment and leaves me ever so hungry for a Burrito Supreme after an hour or two.  It has however put me in a favorable position to request a private room (with a deluxe posturepedic bed) during my treatments.  The Chemo nurses (thanks Lana!!) are more than happy to oblige.  So, instead of typing in my blog during treatments….I nap.  For all you suckers that actually have to work on Wednesday afternoons, bite me.  

 

All in all, I still can’t complain about my condition.  Not much has really changed.  I’m still able to run and swim, although some days are more challenging than others to get motivated enough to hit the gym.  I started a spin class on Wednesday mornings, so it’ll be good to engage my bike muscles again.  I can’t wait to hit a Tri this summer.  Yep, I’m out of shape, and my lungs are half dead from these nasty drugs, but I’ve got to keep moving.  I went running with Kourtney the other day, and it was a bit embarrassing to be huffing and puffing after only 2 miles (2 really, really slow miles).  Of course he was there with an ever-supportive laugh and a comment about me being a big fatty.  Just remember Kourtney, the next time I take you climbing I’ll take off and leave you alone on the mountain.  I’ll tell everyone that I simply lost sight of your headlamp after a while.  My weight still hovers impressively above the “normal” category on our “WII fit” falling farther and farther into the realm of “obese”, my eyelashes are mostly gone, and I’ve lost a considerable amount of hair.  Seriously, I’d say that 75% of my hair follicles are non-functional.  For you hairy guys out there, you can appreciate that.  It’s really strange.  It’s as if every part of my body could be thrown directly into an Archeological dig site and mistaken as the fossilized remains of some incredibly tall Cro-Magnon man, whereas my body hair more resembles that of a 13 year-old boy.  Let that image burn into your brain.  

Mentally, I suppose I’m doing alright.  I’ve never been incredibly smart, and I’m realistic about my mental capacity.  However, until about 2 months ago, I’ve always felt that given any kind of standardized test I’d at least score somewhere in the middle of the pack.  Chemo has certainly taken my mediocre aptitude and left me barely capable of wearing a headset and asking if you might want whipped cream on your Mocha.  No offense to you Baristas out there, but seriously, if someone ordered a Venti Non-Fat Latte with extra foam and a shot of Vanilla from me right now you’d be just as likely to receive a Lime in your Coke-u-nut.  All these years of clean living just didn’t provide much of a buffer from the negative impacts of Chemo on my cognitive abilities (again, big word, just to impress you).  Seriously, I just said “no”, I didn’t inhale, and I even took Omega-3 Fatty Acids for a while, but nothing could safeguard me from Chemo.  I recently read in a book that we all have a certain capacity, a “gas tank” if you will, for mental concentration, and we can exhaust our reserves.  My reserves are gone, and I’m functioning on nothing but fumes and the lumpy gray remains of a brain that used to be whole.  But, lucky for me (and the girls) I’ve got a lovely wife that selflessly takes care of me as if I’m actually worth every bit of suffering that she’s going through right now.  For those of you who haven’t yet had life push you out (way out) of your comfort zone, you’d better pray, beg, curse, or otherwise offer a request up to whatever deity you may claim as God that a person enters your life that loves you unconditionally.  And, I’m not talking about your parents.  They don’t count.  As I’ve said before, parents are blind, powerless, and otherwise biased to accept even the worst in their children.  After all, if they admit that their kid is “defective”, that means that they’re admitting that they may have screwed up, right?  Oh, the vulnerability!  For real, the sooner we all admit that as parents we’re not near as smart as we think we are, the better off we’ll be.  13-year olds are exactly right when they think that their parents don’t know anything.  Contrary to popular belief, as our kids get older they don’t really start to think that we’re “smart”.  It’s simply that when kids get into their twenties they’ve just given up, surrendered their childish simplicity, and are more likely to agree with their parents.  I’m in my mid-thirties and all I want to do is learn how to think like a 13-year old and chase worthless and misunderstood dreams.  That’s another conversation….back to my point.  I’m blessed to have Kacy around to take care of me and the girls right now.  I hope to pay her back someday by giving her the husband that she deserves.  If any of you know where I might find him, let me know.  Maybe there’s an App for that.

To sum up, we’ve adjusted, and will continue to adjust, to what has become our life over the last 5 months.  The best part is that we’ve only got 1 month left.  We started planning out our summer vacation schedule last week, and it’ll be an action packed adventure.  Climbing, canoeing, camping, diving, paddle boarding, you name it…it’s on the agenda and on a shoestring budget.  Cancer, kids, mortgage….none can diminish our appetite for adventure.  We just have to be a little more deliberate about our planning process.  If you don’t plan it (and I’m talking months in advance) it simply won’t happen, and yet another summer will be spent drifting without a purpose until Fall is upon us, and life becomes too busy for fun.  Kacy told me to start responding to your blog comments….so I’ll give that a shot this time.  Oh I come kicking and screaming into the information age.  I hope you all are doing well, and take care of each other.

10th Chemo Treatment - March 28, 2012

 

Sixty!?!

My beautiful mom turned sixty this year.  Is it even possible??  The older I get, the younger that number feels. :)  As I told her on her birthday, I love her so very much and I cherish the adult friendship that we now share.  Love you, mom.

Mama is cool (I swear)

A month or two ago, I was in the kitchen brewing my coffee before the babies woke up. Turned on the tv to this Citi commercial and it instantly caught my eye because I recognized where they were filming. Afterwards, I got on YouTube to see if I could find it so I could show it to Ben. I knew he would get a kick out of the commercial because it was 2 climbers doing Ancient Art in Moab, Utah. This is the climb that we did for my 30th birthday. It was a surprise and boy, was it a BLAST.

Here is the YouTube video:



And here is a link to the blog post that I did almost 2 years ago:

Big n' Lil Posts: My 30th Birthday Surprise!

I'm mainly doing this so that I can prove to my kids, later on, that their mama is way cooler than they think. Actually, if we do this thing right...my girls will be leading me up a rock "later on". ;)

Chemo Treatment #8 - I Got This

My, my.  Long time, no talk.  So, a couple of treatments have come and gone.  I apologize for my negligence.  As Kacy has mentioned, the treatment after our Hawaii trip left me a little beat up.  Of course I had just enough time to recover from that before I went right into another round of poisoning.  Luckily this round isn’t near as bad.  It’s Tuesday, and I’m pretty much back to my regular old “sunshine” self.  I’ve got a ton to share with you, so this blog is bound to be all over the place.  You’ve been warned.

Before getting into the details of white blood cell counts, endless days spent in bed, and what it really means to prefer having cancer rather than go through Chemotherapy (if you’ve had both, you understand that comment), I’ll take this opportunity to try and describe what it felt like to be able to travel to one of the most beautiful places on this planet in such grand style.  If you’re not familiar with Kauai, google it, because I can’t explain all there is to see and do there, as well as the inner health you can find in such a place surrounded by the best people.  We stayed at a friend’s place, which is affectionately known as the “Teak House” because it’s made of 100% Teak.  If you’re not familiar with that, don’t bother to “Alt/Tab” to your favorite search engine…Teak is a type of wood.  A really, really nice kind of wood.  Seriously, even the blinds are wood, and not that fake wood crap that you buy at a department store.  I’m not judging, we’ve got those same crappy blinds in our house that are overpriced and never raise or lower in a linear fashion.  These particular blinds are even wired up James Bond style so you can open and close them from your bed.  There’s even an Ipad App for that.  Go figure.  I might add that the remote access is super handy when you get a hankering to prance around naked because you’re excited and you’re in Kauai.  Don’t judge me.  Not only is the place totally beautiful, but its situated on a great beach (which is famous by the way) on which you can surf, paddleboard, scuba dive, have a legit bonfire, fly fish, and hike in the majestic splendor of the Na Pali Coast trail.  And, as if that Postcard could get any cooler, we got to spend almost two entire weeks with some of our best friends who put up with all of my Chemo whining, and who endured our childish awe upon arriving.  Seriously, in this one trip we ticked off several of our “bucket list” items, and even ticked off a few that we didn’t even think to add in the first place.  I mean, Linkan got to fly a plane!  Well, alright let’s keep this real; she got to turn a knob that turned the plane a little bit.  BUT, as far as I’m concerned I’ve got the youngest pilot known to man living in my house.  Yep, she’ll do big things, and it all started with a jet ride to Kauai!  I was truly blessed to feel really good during our trip, and I managed to stay pretty active the whole time.  We did hike a small section of the Na Pali Coast trail, I learned to surf (sort of), and Kacy and I even got to go Scuba Diving with a Hawaiian Monk Seal (an endangered species).  He was a curious little dude (I estimate he was about 400 pounds and 7 feet long).  He was our most interesting dive partner to date; even topping a perverted Jamaican Dive Master that had a curious obsession with Sea Cucumbers (let your imagination run wild on that one).  The Monk Seal swam circles around us as we dove along the lava tubes right off the beach.  After our dive, it was like a Corona commercial.  I lugged the gear all of 50 feet to the beach chairs, sat down, and had a beer.  Amazing.  I was even inspired to get more serious about pursuing my dream to become a Dive Master, and eventually be able to teach Scuba Diving.  At this stage in my career, I can go back and get my MBA, or choose to spend that time mastering the trade of diving so that I can take my family and others on adventure vacations for years into the future.  Maybe not the most “mature” decision but dude, we only get one shot at this so you might as well go for broke.  Maybe there’s still an MBA in there for me somewhere, but I’d rather spend the next couple of years enjoying the ride.  Enough about that, this blog is already getting lengthy.

After our time in paradise, we returned home at about 1am on the day of my next scheduled treatment.  Sweet.  I went in to my treatment a little tired, but figured I was just being a big baby after returning back to real life.  As it turns out, my counts were low.  Really low.  What really concerned the Doc was my low Neutrophil numbers (which are reportedly the most important type of white blood cell).  I guess normal people have a count above 1500, and I was around 200.  Whatever that means.  Of course, I’m just spewing what the Doc was telling me, but reportedly they typically don’t treat people with counts as low as mine were.  We had a “substitute” Doc on that particular day, so I twisted her arm and told her that we should just get the party started.  She consulted with my primary Oncologist and he was down for it, so we went ahead with the treatment.  Me and my primary Doc are on the same page when it comes to these treatments.  I prefer to push as far as I possibly can (as does he) in lieu of postponing treatments.  Boy, did I pay for this one.  The effects were immediate.  I went home and crashed for about 6 days.  Seriously, I barely moved.  If I would have had the foresight to have my infamous mountain “pee bottle” unpacked and by my side, I wouldn’t have left the bed.  If you missed the “pee bottle” story, you’re way behind….go back to my earlier blogs.  In the end, I finally found out what all the fuss is about Chemotherapy.  It really sucks.  I missed my training run last Sunday, and as a result I don’t think I’ll be ready for that trail marathon coming up.  It was always going to be a run/walk pace at best, and I needed every possible opportunity to train for it.  I’ll just push it to next year.  As you could imagine, with long distance running, you’re at a higher risk for all sorts of things (stress fractures, ligament damage, etc.) if you don’t train correctly.  That’s all I need right now.  No sweat either way, and no regrets.  I’d do it the same exact way if given another shot at it.  There’s only one way to get through this, and that’s to keep moving through the process.  Per the usual, Kacy has been right here by my side with 2 screaming babies in tow, baby wipes at the ready, and my pill bottles in hand.  I am the luckiest man in the building.

That pretty much brings us to today.  My counts weren’t as low this last Wednesday (treatment day), at least the Doc didn’t mention them, so I didn’t ask.  Why bother.  It’s all relative.  I feel good this time around, so what difference does it make to know what the counts are?  I keep relating this process to climbing mountains….if you feel good, it doesn’t matter if you’re at 10,000 feet, or 20,000 feet.  Just enjoy it either way, and be thankful that you aren’t the guy losing his lunch on the side of the trail.  I have to admit, I’m totally over this.  I long for the days of “normal”.  Or at least my version of “normal”.  It’s as if everything has been put on hold for a while.  Don’t get me wrong, I think Kacy and I have weathered this pretty well (and will continue to do so), but enough already.  It’s frustrating to have so many trivial tasks and chores become major obstacles.  I’m humbled for sure, but I’m a little tired of being in a Chemo stupor all the time.  Work is going well, but I’m certainly not as sharp as I’m used to being.  Let’s be honest, I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box to begin with.  At home I’m the definition and shining example of “inept husbandry”.  I’d start a self help group or maybe even sponsor an independent mailer on the topic, but the independent Christian film industry has the market cornered on exposing the typical American male shortcomings.  Alright, maybe that was a low blow.  Conviction is a beeotch, but seriously do we need another film exposing just how worthless we are?  We’re fat, we’re lazy, and the sooner everyone comes to terms with that the better off we’ll all be.  Of course I’m joking when I say all of this.  If you’re grinding your teeth and clutching your latest Focus on the Family newsletter, just relax I’m getting to my point. 

Cancer and more painfully Chemo has forced me to reflect on my weaknesses.  Through this process, it’s clear that I do an entirely poor and inadequate job of engaging my Faith in my times of trial.  In doing so, I’ve set a bad example for my family and my friends.  For those of you who know me best, I would ask if you could imagine my motto being “resilience above all”?  That’s a rhetorical question, and not a boast.  Of course that’s my motto…that’s my spirit.  However, let’s air the bad with the good.  Does that include resilience above my health, above my loved ones, and above my Faith?  Guilty.  I can do anything I put my mind to, and that’s the sad part.  I put my mind to the task before my heart has consulted my God.  My “can do” attitude and arrogance in times of pain can be entirely worthwhile when I’m running an Ironman, but I don’t do Ironmans every day.  I’m a model to my wife, my kids, and my friends every day.  And, let’s really add fuel to this fire…..how about when Kacy and I are faced with a tough life decision?  Need an example?  How about the decision to move from Kansas to Colorado, and then back to Kansas in a 3-year period?  How about when I get a phone call from my Doctor and he says I have Lymphoma?  Was my first reaction to pray to God, or grit my teeth and say “I got this”?  I didn’t hit my knees I prayer; frankly I didn’t even bat an eye because “I’ve got this”.  Am I seeking God’s will?  Let’s lower the bar a bit, am I at the very least seeking God’s strength and guidance?  Some of you might gasp at this, but I’ll be totally transparent here, I don’t even know where my bible is.  Is it in that box labeled “old books” in our storage room?  After our move to Kansas, I made sure to find our DVD’s but skipped the Bible.  Oops.  Granted, in this great “tech” era who wants to carry around a clunky bible when you can just download the App, or google it.  Besides, it’s way fun to play Angry Birds in church (just kidding).  But, during those sleepless nights when the Chemo drugs make me sick, and the steroids keep me awake, do I seek out God’s word, or do I just log into my NetFlix account and click on the “watch instantly” tab.  Now, now…it’s not all doom and gloom.  I’m not writhing with guilt and personal anguish.  And, yes I’ve prayed and talked with God about my cancer and my recovery.  I’m not totally lawless, here.  I’m just realizing that I’m a fraud and I’d really like to do something about it.  Unless I’m running an Ironman, or climbing a mountain somewhere, I intend to hand the reins over to God every now and again (baby steps).  I guess I’d better learn to do the little things before life forces me to deal with the big things.  And no, I don’t consider having Hodgkins a “big thing”.  Raising 2 kids, being a leader for my family, and being the best Husband possible is a “big thing”.  Don’t sweat it….sigh….I got this.

Can you build a sand castle with me?

Surf lessons in Hanalei Bay (G and Ben - far right)

Linkan and sweet Bersa

Da boys on the SUPs

Linkan and Arnie

Peek-a-boo

Gary & Sandie (Lilo)

Aunt Sandie & Palmer

Shore dive off Tunnels Beach

Who is that Aussie hunk in the Corona commercial?

Putting the finishing touches on the bon-fire.  Isn't she beautiful?

Uncle G, teaching Linkan how to light a bon-fire. Ha! 

Hiking the Na-Pali coast with the age-less Kayleen

G & Ben
Brothers - Kaikua'ana

Back to reality...no more Kauai :(
Chemo Treatment #7
February 15, 2012

No picture for Treatment #8 :(