Dude, where's my hair? (Treatment #5)

Treatment #5 has come and gone.  I can’t believe that we’re already almost halfway through this messy ordeal.  I should start by mentioning that I had my 2-month scan done this week and the results show that there aren’t any cancer cells in there anymore.  Sweet, eh?  It’s dead, hibernating, or otherwise taking vacation.  I hope it’s somewhere were the mosquito’s will give it malaria.  Those two diseases totally deserve each other.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m 100% cured, but at the same time, a clear scan at this point is the first step in that direction.  Please, please….hold your applause to the end.  I’d like to thank the Academy, but most of all I’d like to thank my fans.  Without you, it just wouldn’t be possible for me to live this dream of Cancer and Chemotherapy.  Wait, in this instance, maybe that doesn’t work.  In all seriousness, I realize that for the most part I’m pretty lighthearted about all of this.  Please know that I certainly am not taking it lightly.  I truly believe that one of the biggest reasons I’m able to come through all of this is because of all of you guys.  The overwhelming support that we’ve received from friends and family (more on that amazing support in future blogs) has been amazing and inspiring.  Keep it up, peeps.  The scans may show that I’m clear, but we’ve still got 4 “F-bombing” months of this nastiness ahead of us.  We do, of course, thank God for my progress every single day.  Homeboy hasn’t forsaken me, he’s simply trying to teach me something.  Speaking of God, I’m so, so, so happy that the Broncos not only lost that game, but that they got pounded.  I’m a Tebow fan…seriously, I am.  I think the dude will be legit in time, and this isn’t a shot at him or his success.  This is a shot at all of those freaky T-boners out there.  Seriously, aside from the nerds at the Star Trek conventions, you people take the cake.  They were never destined to win the Super Bowl.  He hasn’t fallen out of grace with God.  The end isn’t near, so put your cup of Cool-Aid down and take a deep breath.  If God is actually reading the Sports Section (and let’s be honest, God would totally have the MSNBC App on his Ipad) I would imagine that He’s way more preoccupied with the seemingly epidemic child sexual abuse cases in major college programs.  Seriously, whoever commented that Sandusky may have been   teaching a troubled young boy how to shower should be washing cars right now (with Sandusky and Paterno working the tire sprayer right beside him).   I realize that the comment was taken out of context a bit, but seriously, what a nightmare.

I’ve been feeling well enough this last couple of weeks.  I still feel a little nauseous every time I think about chemical smells, and annoyingly enough I gag every time I pull into the parking lot at my Chemo treatment facility.  It’s mental.  The tingling in my toes and fingers is still ever-present, although it’s not quite as bad as it was last week.  I curse that jerk that designed baby clothes to have buttons instead of snaps or Velcro every time I have to put Linkan’s coat on.  I try to go for shirts with no buttons right now, as I just look really stupid trying to button anything.  My mouth never got real sensitive this time around.  I even went to the dentist and endured the normal poking and prodding that accompanies any good teeth cleaning.  And, thank goodness, the stains that I so endearingly spoke of in my last blog are long gone (for now).  I’m sure they’ll return after my next 2 cups of coffee.  On a side note, I now HATE flavored dental floss.  It makes me want to hurl.  And what’s the point anyways?  You’re not eating it, and it arguably should not even touching your taste buds.  If it is, stop flossing your tongue, that’s not what floss is for.  Why does it need to be minty?  The tired/nauseous feeling was pretty strong on this go around.  I was pretty wiped out from Thursday until Sunday night.  Once again, Kacy did an excellent job of catering to my every need and making life comfortable for me.  I still feel sorry for her having to deal with a “Jabba the Hut” sized cancer patient lying around for 4 days straight.  Linkan seems to enjoy lying on the bed with me watching TV.  Can’t wait till’ I get past this and I can actually get that kid outside to play!  Also, big shocker, my hair is gone!  Of course in true “Ben” style we made quite a production out of it.  I decided since I’ve had the very same haircut for the last 20 years that I’d take this opportunity to document my different styles.  Pick your favorite look (the pics are below).  I’m actually pretty relieved to have cut my hair.  I was about 2 weeks away from entering a Matisyahu look-alike contest.  I’d like to think that having my head shaved puts me among the ranks of Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis Circa 2007, not circa 1988), but really I think I’m more of a Howie Mandel look-alike.  Maybe a cross between him and Michael Stipe.  Neither of which are near as cool as Bruce or Vin.  Maybe a stretched out version of Mini-Me?  I dunno.  That’s okay, I guess.  Vin can’t act, and Bruce is just sort of old now and is most famous for dropping Hans Gruber off of the Nakatomi tower.  If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, go back to the early 1990’s, get a six pack of Zima and rent Die Hard.  Don’t worry, those dumb looking “skinny” jeans you’re wearing will be in style back then and it will impress the chicks that you can make phone calls on your calculator looking thingy.  Also, while you’re there, grab a Nintendo and a Mario Brother’s game that actually works for me.  No, don’t go to a garage sale for it…get it new.  I don’t want to take the cartridge out and blow on it, then rub it with a pencil, and click into the game slot 15 times to make is work (you mid-thirties folks know EXACTLY what I’m talking about).  With that said, now try and get the Mario Bros. song out of your head…Doot, Doot, Doot…Doot Doot Doot Doot..(pitch gets higher)Doot Doot Doot Doot…..Doot Doot, Doot (pitch lowers), Doot Doot Doot.  Yeah, you’re counting them, I know you are.  To get back to the point, this last 2 weeks was a little rough for a few days, but again I bounced back relatively quickly.  I’ve been able to keep up my running, and am still on pace to be able to run (and finish) my race in April.  I am however bowing out of the Ultra (50-miler) and will instead run in its shorter (and much more attractive) cousin, the marathon.  At least that’s the plan right now.   One cool side effect of having cancer is that you can say (and buy) almost anything you want.  You want to make fun of dumb people? Go ahead, after all, you’re dying and they want the elevator to go down, when that little arrow is clearly pointing up.  You want to go buy a paddle board (thank you REI dividends)?  Go ahead; you could be dead next year.  Yeah, that’s a bit dramatic (I’m not dying), but you get the point.  People just give you a ton of slack.  And, no…(rant alert!!) I mostly don’t make fun of dumb people.  BUT, when they holler at the top of their lungs to “HOLD THE ELEVATOR” prompting you to hold the door with your foot as that little buzzer goes off in your ear and then after stumbling in to the elevator they make it known to everyone (as if we didn’t already know) that “Hey, this elevator isn’t going down”, and THEN they hit the “door open” button so they can get off, delaying your departure even farther.  Trust me, when you feel like vomiting, this is totally annoying.  Speaking of annoying, how about the guy that cruises up next to you on the interstate as if he’s going to pass you quickly, but soon just slows down and sits right in your blind spot.  You speed up a bit, he speeds up a bit.  You slow down, same result.  I just don’t get it.  At the very least, make an effort to stay out of my blind spot.  I dunno, apparently another symptom of Chemo is that I get annoyed real easy these days.  I’m sure there’s a metaphor there somewhere, but I’ll l spare you.  I digress.

All rants aside, as I go through this treatment, I’m offered these daily opportunities to be thankful for my life (and for the days that I’m healthy enough to use the stairs and stay away from the elevator).  I was putting Linkan to bed the other night, and afterwards I just laid there in front of her door for a while listening to what goes on in there after I turn out the light.  Often times it sounds like a herd of elephants running around up there.  And, keep in mind that in my house it takes a lot of commotion to raise any eyebrows, as we live with 2 dogs that are roughly the size of goats.  There’s always someone or something crashing around like a blind man in a lamp shop.  This particular night, Linkan was content to lie in her bed and sing to herself.  The singing was interrupted by random shouts of “NO” or “YOU be quiet” or “Can I play with the Ipad?”.  It just made me laugh, and then I started to think about my life and how thankful I am.  I began to question our place on this Earth, and I just really felt thankful.  I mean, we get life for FREE.  Totally free.  Sure, our parents had to raise us and take care of us, and your Dad can talk about how he saved and worked his fingers to the bone for “you kids”, but you know what….his Dad did the same for him, and we’re doing the same for our kids so get over it.  We ALL got it for free!  It doesn’t skip a generation.  If you’re reading this, you’re right there with the rest of us.  And, as I work through this whole “life is free” thing, I realize the real responsibility that we have to live it well.  We all use excuses to explain why we don’t, or can’t, live life well.  You know the drill, “We can’t go on vacation cuz’ it’s just too much work with the kids and my job”, “I can’t talk openly with my friend or child about his or her addiction because they’ll just deny me”,  “I can’t take that job, or make that move because it’s risky and I might end up failing”, “I can’t possibly spend time with my kids because I don’t understand them, and they don’t like me”, “I can’t be expected to work that hard because nobody else does!”.  There are a thousand different excuses.  I want to make an attempt to knock these excuses on their ear.  Maybe I can modify my responses a bit.  “I HAVE to go on vacation because I have kids and a job”,  “I HAVE to talk with my friend about his or her issues because I love them”, “ I have to take this new job opportunity or make this move because I NEED to risk real failure”.  I feel like Kacy and I have always done a good job of seeking experiences and grasping life, but I certainly don’t think we’ve ever hit our breaking point.  I mean, we’ve been stretched, but I’ve never felt like we were breaking.  That’s a GOOD thing.  We’ve always had a really healthy balance, and that balance has helped us to grow into each other and has provided an incredible strength.  This is a bit of a brag fest on my wife, because beyond our shared Faith, SHE is the reason we grow and build strength in our marriage.  She’s my biggest supporter, and has always been the balance for me.  BUT, with my cancer (and subsequent victory, of course) I worry that we could lose that balance.  We’ll certainly be more likely to say, “Yeah, let’s take that risk and see where we end up.”  We’ve got to be careful to keep that balance and to stretch our Love and Faith in the right direction.  Direction is the key.  Be bold, and be daring, but make sure you’re going in the right direction.  We’ve got several things on our bucket list, and we need to be sure to maintain that balance in our journey.  I want my girls to think I’m the coolest Dad.  I realize that I’d better take my opportunity while I’ve got it, because as soon as they get to be 12 or 13, I’ve lost the battle.  Let’s face it; none of us are cool to 13 year old girls.  And, if we are, we’re kidding ourselves if we think that giving them what they want, or telling them what they want to hear is really “cool”.  Sigh, High School is going to suck.  I hope they get uglier.  A lot uglier.

I realize that my blogs seem to have a common theme.  I’m okay with that.  It’s my blog, and I’ll say what I want.  But, I do want you all to know that these blogs aren’t constructed to serve as an example of how to live your lives.  I don’t presume to have anything figured out.  This is simply what goes through my mind each and every day as I muck through this journey.  I think about this stuff because this is what I struggle with.  We’re all in this together, so if you want to talk, I plan on sitting by a campfire about every night this summer.  Bring beer and Scotch (good Scotch), and we can talk until the sun comes up.  I certainly don’t want to come off like Doogie Howser (pick him up if you’re actually able to time travel back to the early 90’s as mentioned above), Rev Run, or that stupid sitcom “Full House” (leave this one in the past where it belongs), where the drama music starts and the last 5 minutes I make some important diary entry or solution for this week’s problems.  This stuff just isn’t solved.  Life is way too complex for that.  Just like a Butterfly, we’re all in these different phases of life.  Some of us are stuck in a cocoon (actually called a Chrysalis), and some of us are doomed to be caterpillars for a long, long time.  Some of us are lucky enough to work through those stages, only to find that as a mature Butterfly we have to fly potentially thousands of miles to safety, only to die there.  I suppose, again, the jokes on us.  It’s all work.  It always will be, but I’d rather be flying than crawling around on the ground waiting for a bird to eat me, eh?  Stay tuned, I’m thinking that for blog #6 it will be our Hillbilly, Arkansas story.

Before

Scary Clown/Cancer Boy Look

Skinhead/Hells Angels Look

The Stash

After - Not bad!!

"Baldies"

Twins!

Lana, having a little too much fun while Ben tries not to gag...haha

Chemo Treatment #5
January 18, 2012

Hooray for negative PET scans!!