Halloween 2013

My alarm was messed up this morning due to a software update on my phone so I woke up at 8:28 a.m. with my hair on fire! I was supposed to have Linkan a dressed in her costume and at school at 9 a.m. Linkan came down the stairs about 5 minutes later. I could have been grumpy from waking up so late but I got such an amazing response from her about my space kitten pants, it turned my frown upside down...and really, made my whole day! She was crazy excited to wear her Ariel wig. Score, mom! Palmer isn't in school but she insisted on wearing her owl costume. So, I got all three of us dressed in our costumes and out the door by 8:55. Can you believe it? Of ALL the days to sleep late! Whew!

I wore my space kitten outfit to jazzercise and it was a hit! Those pants are quite a hot item online. Thanks to some preplanning and Amazon.com, I snagged a pair. My instructor, Amy, sure was jealous! She had tried to buy a pair only to find out that they're sold out EVERYWHERE. ;-) Ben found a great "boy scout" get-up at a local thrift store. He is too much!!! Ha!!

When Palmer put her costume on, Linkan said, "Palmer!! You look AWESOME!" Too cute. They enjoyed trick or treating tonight. I walked up to the house with them (and reminded Linkan every darn time to thank the candy-givers - dang that child!) and daddy pulled Palmer in the wagon to each house. Fun times in the B'Woody neighborhood!

Silly Face!

First Float Trip!

The girls have been in our canoe before but always on small ponds. They are finally at an age and stage where we thought they would enjoy a longer float down an actual river. We started out this morning on the Delaware and it eventually converged with the Kansas river. We stopped on a sand bar to eat lunch and swim.  We all had a great time and can't wait to do it again!

6th Annual Sam Ellis Classic

KU Halftime Performance

Last Sunday I performed a dance routine with my Jazzercise group at the Kansas University Women's basketball game. There was over 120 dancers (and a few dudes! yea!) from Topeka, Olathe, Independence and Lawrence. I'm just now wondering where the Overbrook Jazzercise group was? Maybe next year girls?

I'm telling you...I'm an old lady and I'm a total dork so this event was right up my alley! I had the best time! The actual performance was a blast but practicing with everybody from my "jazzercise home base" was too much fun!  Here is the video of our performance.  I made a cameo in the very first and fifth (I think?) frame of the video.  I'm on the right hand side of the shot in both frames.  I was totally cracking up during practice because one of my instructors told me (in all seriousness) that she "appreciated my shimis".  I told Ben that it would be just fine if he wanted to tell me that every day! :-P

My cheering squad included half my neighborhood! I love them! They are so sweet and made my day by coming out with their families to support little ole me. Smooches!

The Lawrence Group

 KU was honoring military service members (our heroes!) at this game so the kids dressed up like super heroes. Linkan was Bat Girl and Palmer was Super Woman!

Batgirl

Superwoman!

Ben put a tape measure on her batgirl belt. She thought she was pretty cool stuff!

Brenda, the owner of the Lawrence studio, put the whole Jazzercise performance together. I can't imagine how many hours she spent on it and I'm sure she is happy that its over and normal life can resume. Thank you Brenda!

On Gratitude

I’m speaking at my MOPS group tomorrow.  I’ll be sharing an abbreviated version of my testimony and speaking about gratitude.  Am I qualified to speak on gratitude?  I don’t know about that.  I feel like this past year has been one of extremes…and at times, I have felt the epitome of gratitude but at other times, I have literally cursed the life that I have.  I don’t understand how these two extremes have existed within me.  I’m still trying to figure that out.  My mom recently brought up Ephesians 5:20.

Giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

She pointed out that, in this particular verse, it doesn’t say give thanks IN everything but FOR everything.  And so I’ve been reflecting ever since.  I know there are other verses in the bible where it also talks about giving thanks in everything and I’m not countering that at all.  I’m just wondering if I really have, during the really REALLY crappy times in my life, given thanks for everything?  

So, when my little brother died 6 years ago in an accident...  Am I thankful for that?  Geez, I can’t even bring myself to WRITE that I’m thankful for that.  Having the thought cross my mind makes me want to throw up.  This is a really tough concept to wrap my head around.  How is it possible to be thankful for something so devastating and awful?  Yet, in my heart…I know that Sam is in Heaven now.  So how can I not be thankful for that?  And another thing…  I miss the intimacy that I felt with God as I walked along that very dark grief-stricken path.  It was so painful yet I’m thankful that I experienced what it is like to have all the layers of distraction peeled back, that exist everyday in a normal person’s life, that drown out the voice of God.  Is that what it means when it says to be thankful for everything?

Exactly one year ago, I was caught in limbo.  My limbo was knowing that my husband was preliminarily diagnosed with cancer but not knowing which type (Hodgkin’s or Non – big freaking difference when it comes to cure rate, according to google) or what stage (“Jesus, please don’t let it be in his bone marrow.”).  Just like the days following Sam’s death…the limbo that I experienced a year ago was hell on earth.  And you know, I don’t really think anyone knew how difficult it was for me because I internalize A LOT…but it was awful.  I distinctly remember Ben coming home from work one night.  It was the night we decided to do some Christmas decorating.  My emotions were so conflicting.  I watched him with my babies, feeling such joy…like I finally “had it all”.  And at the same time, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my little eyes out because my future with him…my two daughter’s future with him was a big fat nothing…a big fat question mark.  It was the weirdest thing.  Literally, the visual image that I had always had in my mind of our future was gone and in its place was darkness.  It’s hard to explain that experience. But it was very real and very difficult for me to process.  So, I prayed my tail off.  And I cried when I was in the shower and really late at night.  

I’m thinking it’s probably easy for me to say, NOW, that I’m thankful for the experience because – fast forward 6 months – he beat cancer and the visual image of our future together is restored.  Here’s the truth.  During those 6 months of sucky-suck-crap (can I say that?) chemo, my sleep-derived and stressed-out-self did not handle every day so well.  There was that day when Ben was sicker than a dog.  He had to call me on my crap because I was “sighing” every time I had to deal with the girls.  I was so fed up and used up.  I just wanted to not be needed for 5 seconds.  I was making the poor guy, whose body had just been pumped full of poison chemicals, feel like he was a burden.  It makes me feel like a piece of poo to admit that I had stooped that low.  I mean, really?  What a freaking ingrate I was…  I definitely wasn’t “thankin’ Jesus for everything” that day.  I wish I could go back through the months and months of chemo and change one thing about the really tough days.  I would have taken a few minutes during those days to reflect on the things that I was thankful for.  I’m learning that gratitude isn’t a natural tendency.  Negativism is.  I’m learning that if I want to bloom where I am planted (where ever that is, even if it’s not my favorite chapter in my life’s story), I have to cultivate gratitude.  I have to be intentional about it.  

So, here you go.  I’m thankful for my husband’s experience with cancer and chemo because it revealed my true-self.  The deep down, raw, nitty gritty part that isn’t all puppy-dogs-and-ice-cream when I’m pushed to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual limit.  I’ve seen who I really am and I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be that mom.  I don’t want to be that wife.  That crappy experience is causing me to grow.  I’m keeping a gratitude journal now.  Because once you get beyond whatever challenge you’re facing, another one is waiting.  Life is full of them.  Can you believe that I have ANYTHING to be negative about these days?  I mean, my husband isn’t going to die from cancer, my two babes are growing and healthy, we have a good job and everything that we need.  

Yes.  I still am ungrateful.

But less than before…  Gratitude is a “chosen attitude” and I’m choosing it.  Whether you believe in God or not, research shows that practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to happiness, health, long life, and prosperity. In a remarkable study performed by Dr. Robert Emmons, people who kept a gratitude journal for just 3 weeks measured 25% higher on life satisfaction after wards. They exercised more, drank less, and their families and friends noticed that they were nicer to be around. The effects lasted for several months beyond the initial 3 week study. Other studies on gratitude are confirming these results. People who take the time to notice and appreciate the good things that come their way are happier and more peaceful. They practice healthier habits, have better relationships, are more optimistic and live longer.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion.

I’m not always going to get it right and I really don’t think I’m always going to be able to give thanks to God for everything.  But I’m leaning on Him and I think that’s the point. 
I read this blog post by Jeannette over at Life Rearranged last night.  Cried some tears while silently listing a trillion things to God that I was thankful for, woke up this morning and went through-out my day feeling incredibly loved, blessed, and happy.

One Year & 25 pounds Later: My "Game Changers"

One year ago, I set out on a journey to a healthier lifestyle.  The baby was out and the "baby weight" was still there...I wasn't healthy or happy about where I was so I decided to make a change.  A year later, I am 25 pounds lighter and healthier than I have ever been.  I started with baby steps...small changes that gained momentum and eventually propelled me to reaching and exceeding my goals.  Lots of friends have been talking to me lately about what has been working for me so I feel compelled to document it.  Maybe you'll be inspired to make a change or two also.  Or maybe you'll just be a hater... Give it time and reflect on why you feel negativity instead of support and positivity and you may just unlock the mysteries that answer why you haven't been able to achieve your goals.  For the rest of you, here is what worked for me. :)

In order of the changes that I made:

1. I found out about and joined the "Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge" one year ago September. Two shakes a day for 90 days.  My two goals were to get back into my "before babies" wardrobe and to do that, I knew I needed to lose 15  pounds. Amazingly, I stuck to the challenge and reached both goals at the conclusion of 90 days.  One thing that set this "attempt" apart from others was that I documented my progess with pictures.  I can honestly say that my first days pictures were the first time that I had really assessed myself and how far I had let things slide.  VERY eye-opening and VERY motivating.  Taking another picture at the 45-day-mark helped renew my resolve to keep going.  There are a couple of other fabulous companies out there that are making great products.  I chose this one and it worked and that's all I care about.

This was the catalyst to my healthier lifestyle.

Join the Challenge

2.  I reluctantly joined our local Jazzercise club. :)  I was a total snob about it at first.  The ONLY reason I gave it a shot was because a friend wanted me to join with her.  I pondered it for weeks after trying it out.  "I'll get bored", "It won't be a good enough work-out", "I'm not very coordinated", etc etc etc.  Finally, I just decided to go for it.  I didn't sign a contract and that way, I could back out if I decided that it wasn't for me after a couple months.  4 weeks in, I was HOOKED.  And now, 7 months later...I can't imagine my life anymore without Jazzercise in it.  I seriously love it that much.  It's kind of ridiculous. I try to go 4 days out of each week, which I would have balked at when I first began.  The average amount of calories you burn each class is 600.  That's major.  I've never been able to motivate myself to burn that much on an elliptical.  Do yourself a favor and enroll in classes (at a gym or Jazzercize, whatever).  After 90 days of Jazzercise, I dropped 10 more pounds.

Jazzercise

Although I have been a gym regular for many years, I've never been able to achieve this level of "change" before and the difference for me is getting step one in place first.  Don't bite off more than you can chew.  Start small.  Commit to 90 days for each "change" you make.  After 90 days, it becomes "natural" and "routine".

3.  I started using the "Lose It" calorie counter app that I downloaded on my iphone. It's also avaliable on Android or on your computer.  I didn't have to do this for long!  Knowledge is power.  Pull your head out of the sand and start using it.  If anything, this app confirmed (in my mind) why I will never stop working out...because working out allows me to maintain my current weight while continuing to indulge in the things that I want to indulge in.  I love this app because it's free and it takes your unique information and quickly spits out the caloric guidelines that you need to stay within to reach the goal that you want to reach.

Lose It!

4.  E-Meals.  I have used the E-Meals meal planner for quite awhile and I can say that it's not perfect but I've been able to find a plan that works well for me and my family.  The clean eating menu is diversified, fun (we love trying new things) and helps us eat sensible meals for dinner. I hate meal planning, grocery shopping and don't really enjoy cooking in general...so, the less brain power that I have to use, the better.  Even though I just listed a bunch of stuff that I hate, I DO LOVE feeding my family healthy, nutritious, yummy food.  That makes me feel good. :)



So, there you go.  These are the things that I have done over the last 12 months that have made a HUGE difference in my life. I'm a mother of two, I had a newborn baby, a husband with cancer, 6 months of caring for him as he endured chemo, and whole host of stress-related emotional issues to deal with through it all.  If I was able to do it during one of my most challenging years of life to-date, you can do it too.  Get all the negative self-talk out of your system and then just start.  Don't think so much about it.  Just do it.  Don't wait until after this holiday or that holiday.  Just start.  You won't feel so guilty when you gorge out at that big family dinner.  Because, HEY, at least you have started and you're DOING something about it.  I don't care what weight or size I have or haven't been....when I'm doing something about it...I FEEL lighter, I feel stronger and more confident...because at least I'm taking control of the situation instead of letting it control me.   And doesn't that apply to so many other areas of life anyway?  Now that I've conquered this part of my psyche, I feel like I can move on to a different part of my life and work on that now. 

I never thought that I would conquer this.  I fed myself so many excuses for so many years and I'm learning that I have to re-write certain tapes in my head.  And having babies just gives us women a "good excuse" to be fat and unhealthy, right?  (PS - I had Diastasis Recti or Adominal Separation from my pregnancies and I thought my stomach would forever-more be a train wreck.)  I had to go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe because I ended up losing more weight than I originally anticipated.  During my first shopping trip, I had to convince myself several times to go ahead and buy "that size".  I was SURE that I would only be in "that size" for a short period of time and then I would need to go back to my bigger clothes.  Later that day, I decided that this was wrong-thinking and I've had to keep that in-check.  Many months later, I finally was able to clean out my closet and get rid of all my bigger clothes.  Why would I keep them around as my "back up" plan?  I want to set my expectations higher than that.  And I want to maintain this level of health for the rest of my life.  Now that I've unlocked my personal "mysteries", I know that I can easily do it.

So, why am I documenting this with pictures for all the world to see?  Because you probably thought that I was "skinny" before.  Ever heard the term "skinny fat"?  You wouldn't truly understand the transformation that I've made without the pictures and I hope it motivates you to make your own transformation.  You can do it!

One Year Later

Ben's 35th Birthday

I'll love you for a thousand more...

Beaver Lake

After many invites, we were finally able to make it down to Keith's place on Beaver Lake in Arkansas.  It's only a 4 hour drive from us...although it took us 7 hours on the way there on Friday.  Sigh...that's just how we roll with two kids in tow. :)  It was worth it!  Most of all, it was great to spend time with our dear friend.  His place is just beautiful, with amazing views on a peaceful cove of the lake.  I really wanted to stay longer (forever)!  We took boat rides, threw rocks in the lake (Linkan's personal favorite), drove to the White River, took a long nap, drank good wine, ate big juicy steaks (and chicken, and hot dogs, and CHRISTMAS CHILI!! ha), and enjoyed the company of Keith and his lone companion, Kip (coolest dog on the planet).  It was a relaxing weekend - the perfect way to gear up for Ben's last chemo treatment on Wednesday. 

Linkan & Kip (man, she loves that dog!)

Driving the boat with Keith. Funniest story ever when Linkan throttled the boat before anyone knew what hit them.  Kip almost ended up in the lake and after the shock wore off, we couldn't stop giggling. 

Beautiful sunset cruise

Posing with our captain

Life is good :)

Snuggle bums!

Doing "chubby" on dad

Doing "chubby" on Palmer.

Lots of giggles

Kissy face!

Just doing what her dad told her to do. "Linkan, lick Palmer's face!"

Keith didn't think he was pretty enough for pictures but I made him do it anyway! ;) Love you, bud!