On Gratitude

I’m speaking at my MOPS group tomorrow.  I’ll be sharing an abbreviated version of my testimony and speaking about gratitude.  Am I qualified to speak on gratitude?  I don’t know about that.  I feel like this past year has been one of extremes…and at times, I have felt the epitome of gratitude but at other times, I have literally cursed the life that I have.  I don’t understand how these two extremes have existed within me.  I’m still trying to figure that out.  My mom recently brought up Ephesians 5:20.

Giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

She pointed out that, in this particular verse, it doesn’t say give thanks IN everything but FOR everything.  And so I’ve been reflecting ever since.  I know there are other verses in the bible where it also talks about giving thanks in everything and I’m not countering that at all.  I’m just wondering if I really have, during the really REALLY crappy times in my life, given thanks for everything?  

So, when my little brother died 6 years ago in an accident...  Am I thankful for that?  Geez, I can’t even bring myself to WRITE that I’m thankful for that.  Having the thought cross my mind makes me want to throw up.  This is a really tough concept to wrap my head around.  How is it possible to be thankful for something so devastating and awful?  Yet, in my heart…I know that Sam is in Heaven now.  So how can I not be thankful for that?  And another thing…  I miss the intimacy that I felt with God as I walked along that very dark grief-stricken path.  It was so painful yet I’m thankful that I experienced what it is like to have all the layers of distraction peeled back, that exist everyday in a normal person’s life, that drown out the voice of God.  Is that what it means when it says to be thankful for everything?

Exactly one year ago, I was caught in limbo.  My limbo was knowing that my husband was preliminarily diagnosed with cancer but not knowing which type (Hodgkin’s or Non – big freaking difference when it comes to cure rate, according to google) or what stage (“Jesus, please don’t let it be in his bone marrow.”).  Just like the days following Sam’s death…the limbo that I experienced a year ago was hell on earth.  And you know, I don’t really think anyone knew how difficult it was for me because I internalize A LOT…but it was awful.  I distinctly remember Ben coming home from work one night.  It was the night we decided to do some Christmas decorating.  My emotions were so conflicting.  I watched him with my babies, feeling such joy…like I finally “had it all”.  And at the same time, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my little eyes out because my future with him…my two daughter’s future with him was a big fat nothing…a big fat question mark.  It was the weirdest thing.  Literally, the visual image that I had always had in my mind of our future was gone and in its place was darkness.  It’s hard to explain that experience. But it was very real and very difficult for me to process.  So, I prayed my tail off.  And I cried when I was in the shower and really late at night.  

I’m thinking it’s probably easy for me to say, NOW, that I’m thankful for the experience because – fast forward 6 months – he beat cancer and the visual image of our future together is restored.  Here’s the truth.  During those 6 months of sucky-suck-crap (can I say that?) chemo, my sleep-derived and stressed-out-self did not handle every day so well.  There was that day when Ben was sicker than a dog.  He had to call me on my crap because I was “sighing” every time I had to deal with the girls.  I was so fed up and used up.  I just wanted to not be needed for 5 seconds.  I was making the poor guy, whose body had just been pumped full of poison chemicals, feel like he was a burden.  It makes me feel like a piece of poo to admit that I had stooped that low.  I mean, really?  What a freaking ingrate I was…  I definitely wasn’t “thankin’ Jesus for everything” that day.  I wish I could go back through the months and months of chemo and change one thing about the really tough days.  I would have taken a few minutes during those days to reflect on the things that I was thankful for.  I’m learning that gratitude isn’t a natural tendency.  Negativism is.  I’m learning that if I want to bloom where I am planted (where ever that is, even if it’s not my favorite chapter in my life’s story), I have to cultivate gratitude.  I have to be intentional about it.  

So, here you go.  I’m thankful for my husband’s experience with cancer and chemo because it revealed my true-self.  The deep down, raw, nitty gritty part that isn’t all puppy-dogs-and-ice-cream when I’m pushed to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual limit.  I’ve seen who I really am and I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be that mom.  I don’t want to be that wife.  That crappy experience is causing me to grow.  I’m keeping a gratitude journal now.  Because once you get beyond whatever challenge you’re facing, another one is waiting.  Life is full of them.  Can you believe that I have ANYTHING to be negative about these days?  I mean, my husband isn’t going to die from cancer, my two babes are growing and healthy, we have a good job and everything that we need.  

Yes.  I still am ungrateful.

But less than before…  Gratitude is a “chosen attitude” and I’m choosing it.  Whether you believe in God or not, research shows that practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to happiness, health, long life, and prosperity. In a remarkable study performed by Dr. Robert Emmons, people who kept a gratitude journal for just 3 weeks measured 25% higher on life satisfaction after wards. They exercised more, drank less, and their families and friends noticed that they were nicer to be around. The effects lasted for several months beyond the initial 3 week study. Other studies on gratitude are confirming these results. People who take the time to notice and appreciate the good things that come their way are happier and more peaceful. They practice healthier habits, have better relationships, are more optimistic and live longer.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion.

I’m not always going to get it right and I really don’t think I’m always going to be able to give thanks to God for everything.  But I’m leaning on Him and I think that’s the point. 
I read this blog post by Jeannette over at Life Rearranged last night.  Cried some tears while silently listing a trillion things to God that I was thankful for, woke up this morning and went through-out my day feeling incredibly loved, blessed, and happy.