My, my. Long time, no
talk. So, a couple of treatments have
come and gone. I apologize for my
negligence. As Kacy has mentioned, the
treatment after our Hawaii trip left me a little beat up. Of course I had just enough time to recover
from that before I went right into another round of poisoning. Luckily this round isn’t near as bad. It’s Tuesday, and I’m pretty much back to my
regular old “sunshine” self. I’ve got a
ton to share with you, so this blog is bound to be all over the place. You’ve been warned.
Before getting into the details of white blood cell counts,
endless days spent in bed, and what it really means to prefer having cancer rather
than go through Chemotherapy (if you’ve had both, you understand that comment),
I’ll take this opportunity to try and describe what it felt like to be able to
travel to one of the most beautiful places on this planet in such grand
style. If you’re not familiar with
Kauai, google it, because I can’t explain all there is to see and do there, as
well as the inner health you can find in such a place surrounded by the best
people. We stayed at a friend’s place,
which is affectionately known as the “Teak House” because it’s made of 100%
Teak. If you’re not familiar with that,
don’t bother to “Alt/Tab” to your favorite search engine…Teak is a type of
wood. A really, really nice kind of
wood. Seriously, even the blinds are
wood, and not that fake wood crap that you buy at a department store. I’m not judging, we’ve got those same crappy
blinds in our house that are overpriced and never raise or lower in a linear
fashion. These particular blinds are
even wired up James Bond style so you can open and close them from your
bed. There’s even an Ipad App for
that. Go figure. I might add that the remote access is super
handy when you get a hankering to prance around naked because you’re excited
and you’re in Kauai. Don’t judge
me. Not only is the place totally
beautiful, but its situated on a great beach (which is famous by the way) on
which you can surf, paddleboard, scuba dive, have a legit bonfire, fly fish,
and hike in the majestic splendor of the Na Pali Coast trail. And, as if that Postcard could get any
cooler, we got to spend almost two entire weeks with some of our best friends
who put up with all of my Chemo whining, and who endured our childish awe upon
arriving. Seriously, in this one trip we
ticked off several of our “bucket list” items, and even ticked off a few that
we didn’t even think to add in the first place.
I mean, Linkan got to fly a plane!
Well, alright let’s keep this real; she got to turn a knob that turned
the plane a little bit. BUT, as far as
I’m concerned I’ve got the youngest pilot known to man living in my house. Yep, she’ll do big things, and it all started
with a jet ride to Kauai! I was truly
blessed to feel really good during our trip, and I managed to stay pretty
active the whole time. We did hike a
small section of the Na Pali Coast trail, I learned to surf (sort of), and Kacy
and I even got to go Scuba Diving with a Hawaiian Monk Seal (an endangered
species). He was a curious little dude (I
estimate he was about 400 pounds and 7 feet long). He was our most interesting dive partner to date;
even topping a perverted Jamaican Dive Master that had a curious obsession with
Sea Cucumbers (let your imagination run wild on that one). The Monk Seal swam circles around us as we
dove along the lava tubes right off the beach.
After our dive, it was like a Corona commercial. I lugged the gear all of 50 feet to the beach
chairs, sat down, and had a beer.
Amazing. I was even inspired to
get more serious about pursuing my dream to become a Dive Master, and
eventually be able to teach Scuba Diving.
At this stage in my career, I can go back and get my MBA, or choose to
spend that time mastering the trade of diving so that I can take my family and
others on adventure vacations for years into the future. Maybe not the most “mature” decision but dude,
we only get one shot at this so you might as well go for broke. Maybe there’s still an MBA in there for me
somewhere, but I’d rather spend the next couple of years enjoying the
ride. Enough about that, this blog is
already getting lengthy.
After our time in paradise, we returned home at about 1am on
the day of my next scheduled treatment. Sweet. I went in to my treatment a little tired, but
figured I was just being a big baby after returning back to real life. As it turns out, my counts were low. Really low.
What really concerned the Doc was my low Neutrophil numbers (which are
reportedly the most important type of white blood cell). I guess normal people have a count above
1500, and I was around 200. Whatever
that means. Of course, I’m just spewing
what the Doc was telling me, but reportedly they typically don’t treat people
with counts as low as mine were. We had
a “substitute” Doc on that particular day, so I twisted her arm and told her
that we should just get the party started.
She consulted with my primary Oncologist and he was down for it, so we
went ahead with the treatment. Me and my
primary Doc are on the same page when it comes to these treatments. I prefer to push as far as I possibly can (as
does he) in lieu of postponing treatments.
Boy, did I pay for this one. The
effects were immediate. I went home and
crashed for about 6 days. Seriously, I barely
moved. If I would have had the foresight
to have my infamous mountain “pee bottle” unpacked and by my side, I wouldn’t
have left the bed. If you missed the
“pee bottle” story, you’re way behind….go back to my earlier blogs. In the end, I finally found out what all the
fuss is about Chemotherapy. It really
sucks. I missed my training run last
Sunday, and as a result I don’t think I’ll be ready for that trail marathon coming
up. It was always going to be a run/walk
pace at best, and I needed every possible opportunity to train for it. I’ll just push it to next year. As you could imagine, with long distance
running, you’re at a higher risk for all sorts of things (stress fractures,
ligament damage, etc.) if you don’t train correctly. That’s all I need right now. No sweat either way, and no regrets. I’d do it the same exact way if given another
shot at it. There’s only one way to get
through this, and that’s to keep moving through the process. Per the usual, Kacy has been right here by my
side with 2 screaming babies in tow, baby wipes at the ready, and my pill
bottles in hand. I am the luckiest man
in the building.
That pretty much brings us to today. My counts weren’t as low this last Wednesday
(treatment day), at least the Doc didn’t mention them, so I didn’t ask. Why bother.
It’s all relative. I feel good
this time around, so what difference does it make to know what the counts
are? I keep relating this process to
climbing mountains….if you feel good, it doesn’t matter if you’re at 10,000
feet, or 20,000 feet. Just enjoy it
either way, and be thankful that you aren’t the guy losing his lunch on the
side of the trail. I have to admit, I’m
totally over this. I long for the days
of “normal”. Or at least my version of
“normal”. It’s as if everything has been
put on hold for a while. Don’t get me
wrong, I think Kacy and I have weathered this pretty well (and will continue to
do so), but enough already. It’s
frustrating to have so many trivial tasks and chores become major
obstacles. I’m humbled for sure, but I’m
a little tired of being in a Chemo stupor all the time. Work is going well, but I’m certainly not as
sharp as I’m used to being. Let’s be
honest, I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box to begin with. At home I’m the definition and shining
example of “inept husbandry”. I’d start
a self help group or maybe even sponsor an independent mailer on the topic, but
the independent Christian film industry has the market cornered on exposing the
typical American male shortcomings.
Alright, maybe that was a low blow.
Conviction is a beeotch, but seriously do we need another film exposing
just how worthless we are? We’re fat,
we’re lazy, and the sooner everyone comes to terms with that the better off
we’ll all be. Of course I’m joking when
I say all of this. If you’re grinding
your teeth and clutching your latest Focus on the Family newsletter, just relax
I’m getting to my point.
Cancer and more painfully Chemo has forced me to reflect on
my weaknesses. Through this process,
it’s clear that I do an entirely poor and inadequate job of engaging my Faith
in my times of trial. In doing so, I’ve
set a bad example for my family and my friends.
For those of you who know me best, I would ask if you could imagine my
motto being “resilience above all”? That’s
a rhetorical question, and not a boast.
Of course that’s my motto…that’s my spirit. However, let’s air the bad with the
good. Does that include resilience above
my health, above my loved ones, and above my Faith? Guilty.
I can do anything I put my mind to, and that’s the sad part. I put my mind to the task before my heart has
consulted my God. My “can do” attitude
and arrogance in times of pain can be entirely worthwhile when I’m running an
Ironman, but I don’t do Ironmans every day.
I’m a model to my wife, my kids, and my friends every day. And, let’s really add fuel to this fire…..how
about when Kacy and I are faced with a tough life decision? Need an example? How about the decision to move from Kansas to
Colorado, and then back to Kansas in a 3-year period? How about when I get a phone call from my
Doctor and he says I have Lymphoma? Was
my first reaction to pray to God, or grit my teeth and say “I got this”? I didn’t hit my knees I prayer; frankly I
didn’t even bat an eye because “I’ve got this”.
Am I seeking God’s will? Let’s
lower the bar a bit, am I at the very least seeking God’s strength and
guidance? Some of you might gasp at
this, but I’ll be totally transparent here, I don’t even know where my bible
is. Is it in that box labeled “old
books” in our storage room? After our
move to Kansas, I made sure to find our DVD’s but skipped the Bible. Oops. Granted,
in this great “tech” era who wants to carry around a clunky bible when you can
just download the App, or google it.
Besides, it’s way fun to play Angry Birds in church (just kidding). But, during those sleepless nights when the
Chemo drugs make me sick, and the steroids keep me awake, do I seek out God’s
word, or do I just log into my NetFlix account and click on the “watch
instantly” tab. Now, now…it’s not all
doom and gloom. I’m not writhing with
guilt and personal anguish. And, yes
I’ve prayed and talked with God about my cancer and my recovery. I’m not totally lawless, here. I’m just realizing that I’m a fraud and I’d
really like to do something about it.
Unless I’m running an Ironman, or climbing a mountain somewhere, I
intend to hand the reins over to God every now and again (baby steps). I guess I’d better learn to do the little
things before life forces me to deal with the big things. And no, I don’t consider having Hodgkins a
“big thing”. Raising 2 kids, being a
leader for my family, and being the best Husband possible is a “big
thing”. Don’t sweat it….sigh….I got
this.
 |
| Can you build a sand castle with me? |
 |
| Surf lessons in Hanalei Bay (G and Ben - far right) |
.JPG) |
| Linkan and sweet Bersa |
 |
| Da boys on the SUPs |
 |
| Linkan and Arnie |
 |
| Peek-a-boo |
 |
| Gary & Sandie (Lilo) |
 |
| Aunt Sandie & Palmer |
 |
| Shore dive off Tunnels Beach |
 |
| Who is that Aussie hunk in the Corona commercial? |
 |
| Putting the finishing touches on the bon-fire. Isn't she beautiful? |
 |
| Uncle G, teaching Linkan how to light a bon-fire. Ha! |
 |
| Hiking the Na-Pali coast with the age-less Kayleen |
 |
G & Ben
Brothers - Kaikua'ana |
 |
Back to reality...no more Kauai :(
Chemo Treatment #7
February 15, 2012
No picture for Treatment #8 :(
|
.JPG)
