Ben and Kacy’s Excellent Adventure

What a great couple of weeks!  I managed to run a few times, complete some cool projects at work, my beard is really starting to make me look like a vagrant (that is part of the fun for me), AND I ate enough horrible food to render the arteries of any mere mortal completely useless  Good thing I can’t be killed by conventional weapons!  I have to admit that I told a lie in my first blog.  Apparently, I’ve got more to say than I had originally thought.  It’s sort of like joining my own personal quilting guild.  I don’t know what happens when a room full of women gets together to sew quilts, but I would imagine it doesn’t involve pillow fights and jumping on the bed.  Maybe I’m wrong, quilters please comment.  If you talk about deep thoughts or maybe even how strange it was for your husband to purchase yet another shotgun (my own weakness is backpacks and climbing gear) I’d like to know!  So, today’s blog will be long…grab a cookie and a glass of milk cuz’ you’ll need them.

A couple of disclaimers about today’s blog; it could offend some of you for various reasons, and none of my thoughts are open for debate on this particular forum.  Debate them amongst yourselves elsewhere but leave me out of it.  I absolutely LOVE your comments (and want them!), but this isn’t High School debate club, and I’m not interested in boring the rest of the folks reading this blog with yet another anonymous peeing match on the internet.  We all know that most people would never dare say just 10% of the stuff that they often click and clack out onto the internet.  That “Send/Submit” button can be just as lethal as a loaded gun, so just stick with me.  Besides, I haven’t even really figured out how to “reply” to your comments.  Kacy showed me, but I’ve long since forgot.  Rest assured that I’m not writing about anything naughty, but the content is just a bit more mature than normal.  Of course it won’t all be serious and meaningful as there are plenty of my worthless outbursts and remarks included.  I only warn you just in case you’ve got a young one that’s reading or if you have a habit of responding to everyone on the internet as if you know them well enough to throw dirt at them.  For the latter, shame on you, and I’m seriously cold and dead inside so don’t bother.  Part of me will always be that guy in the locker room that thinks that it’s funny to dump 5 gallons of ice water into on occupied toilet stall before football practice.  Sorry, I’m totally weak.  Oh yeah, and try finding some useable toilet paper after that deluge.  So, in an effort to force you to read through all my boring medical stuff BEFORE I really say something that disappoints you!   Let’s start with this week’s status report. 

“I am Ben’s weakened immune system.  As I get weaker, anyone could kill Ben by coughing on his food.  Please don’t cough on Ben’s food; it’s gross and now potentially deadly.”  Of course I’m just being dramatic.  Your coughing won’t kill me unless you’re infected with some sort of serious contagious disease.  If that’s the case, I’m sure to die…slowly….jerk face.  If you fit that description, stay away from my freakin’ hamburger.  Seriously, I’m a bit weak, but I’ll still knock the snot out of you. 

As the weeks progress, I begin to realize that some things simply aren’t going to happen as I had planned this Holiday season.  Festive outdoor lights on my house, long walks down Mass Street admiring the pretty decorations, Christmas shopping, ah….the good life.  Yeah, right.  Please see the comment above about me dying a slow death.  I did sneak out for an hour to the mall, but I walked around with my gloves on and I didn’t touch a single door.  Imagine the distressed looks from others when I stood outside the entrance and waited for someone to open the door.  Follow that up with a quick (and somewhat assertive) move to slide through the door before those 200 pound doors close on my foot, and you’re liable to get pepper sprayed.  Who made those freakin’ doors?  Vikings?  Seriously, I felt like Indiana Jones (the young one, not the played out old and crusty one) swiping his hat under the big stone wall at the last second.  This scenario was actually made more real by the fact that I now own a legit Indiana Jones hat.  Thanks L-dawg (if you’re reading this).  And, for those of you that did/will get presents from us…..moment of truth, here…that’s all Kacy.  It’s a good thing that she’s such an amazing woman, because I need all the help I can get right now.  You’d be getting rolls of electric tape and old screw drivers if it wasn’t for her.

Mornings seem to have slowed down quite a bit as I’ve added a few rituals to the mix.  For starters, as soon as I wake up I have to stretch out my left arm.  I’m seeing a Physical Therapist next week about this (Mom, don’t worry) but as a result of my lymph node removal I can feel a really tight pull from my armpit up to my elbow when I straighten my arm.  I can literally see a strange “cord” protruding from my skin as I stretch my arm and pull it tight.  It’s pretty goofy looking, but manageable as I just grunt through the stretching.  Sometimes I’m rewarded for my efforts by a significant “snap” and tearing sensation.  From what I can tell, this is quite normal.  I think its pretty rad, but Kacy isn’t so sure.  Again, don’t worry I’m seeking professional help on this.  After the stretching comes my cereal.  I used to be able to eat as I drove to work; obviously underestimating the sensitivity of breakfast.  I’m now convinced that breakfast is not a meal, but more like a mean and angry Russian woman that is making me pay dearly for my contempt.  In short, if I don’t respect Breakfast, she makes my life very difficult.  In addition to the stretching, grunting, and diet mismanagement mentioned above, it takes me quite some time to “do” my hair and comb my beard as they both keep getting longer.  I’m actually looking forward to the day on which I get to shave my head.  By the way, ETA on that?  Stay tuned!  After primping my new “do” and fugly beard, I’m good to go.  Well, good to go after I wander around for a bit making sure that I didn’t forget anything important.  Chemo has apparently started working on the brain cells that I haven’t killed already.  The real bummer is that I have avoided smoking dope my whole life, in part to protect my short term memory.  Apparently cancer had different plans.  I can’t wait until that medicinal prescription comes through.  See you at 4:20, the ban has been lifted!

Next, I can’t stop eating everything in sight, as it’s the only thing that settles my stomach and gets this drug/chemical taste out of my mouth.  They tell me this is normal.  Insert expletive here.  Consequently, I’m going to end up shopping at the Big and Tall men’s shop.  And, for those of you who have never set foot in one of those places, when they say Big and Tall…..they don’t mean Big people and Tall people.  They mean some hideously perverse combination of the two.    The shop should just be called “If I can catch you, I’ll physically kill you….Silverback style.”  I can poke fun because I’ve been there.  If none of you knew me when I was fat, just wait a few months as I’m sure to start tipping the scales again.   It’ll be easy enough to spot me.  Just look for the “Big and Tall” guy crushing Egg Rolls and General Tao’s Chicken like he’s underwater and those little morsels of heaven are made of Oxygen.  Goals for 2011: beat cancer.  Goals for 2012: survive open heart surgery and have my stomach stapled.

And finally, no mouth sores yet.  After this last round I really haven’t even had any mouth pains at all.  But, I’m sure that this condition will return to try and finish me off.  I actually broke up with a girlfriend in college because she had canker sores.  Karma is a serious beeotch, and I’m not going to be escaping that one.  I totally deserve it, and to that girl, if you’re reading this (you know who you are) I’m sorry….for several things.  My bad.  I guess you got the last laugh…matter of fact, I think I can hear you.  Enjoy hell, I hear that it’s a dry heat and they have HBO there.  I digress.

As for the mood of the Chemo treatments, it’s still pretty good.  Although, as I walk through the Cancer Treatment center it’s apparently obvious that everyone makes each other a tad uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable in the sense that people are grouchy or rude.  It’s more like the uncomfortable feeling when you’re approaching someone on a deserted sidewalk.  You both know that the other is avoiding making eye contact first.  You can’t commit until you know that the other person is engaged.  Look up too soon and you appear too eager, the moment is wasted.  Too late, and you’ll wonder if your zipper was down and they were just too embarrassed to say anything.  You follow with an embarrassingly obvious “fly check” and the person that is sitting on the bench nearby shouts for their kids to take cover and a bunch of Boy Scouts attack you with sticks.  Sigh, we’ve all been there.  In the end, all we want anyone to do is just look up and say, “hey”.  Trust me, adopt this as your standard and you’ll meet a lot of happy and interesting people.  Worst case, you say “hey” to a crazy person and they try to bite you.  No problem, just get a tetanus shot and dive in.

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for; Deep Thoughts, by Ben Post-hole-digger.  As with any substantial thought provoking conversation in the Midwest, it all begins with NPR.  For those of you who don’t spend some time in your car ever day, NPR is a common media outlet for any over-privileged and sheltered Midwesterner.  I admit it, the fact that I’m typing on a computer in a heated room makes me over-privileged.  Crap, I even have the TV on as I type this.  Go figure.

I heard a heartbreaking story about a gay man living alone in San Francisco.  At one time he and his husband were living in Paris together, and unfortunately his husband died of HIV-AIDS.  They were totally regular dudes (yes, gay guys are regular dudes…get to know a gay man and you’ll understand) and one of them had just died of HIV-AIDS.  That’s certainly life throwing big hurdles in your path.  It doesn’t get any more real.  It was incredibly sad to hear the story of their lives together and how it tragically came to an end.  They loved each other, really loved each other.  And, of course since cancer has forced me to enter the ranks of everyone else on this Earth that will someday die (um, for those who are still awake, that’s ALL of you) I got pretty reflective about the whole deal.  Here were these guys that were totally in love with each other.  Sure, their lifestyles are perceived as wrong by many, and maybe even forbidden.  But, these guys were truly in love.  It wasn’t infatuation or obsession.  Seriously, I wish all of us straight/married people out there could love our spouses to that degree.  Spoiler alert!  Just because you’re straight and married doesn’t mean that you’re living out God’s will any more appropriately than a gay couple.  Yikes!  That’s a scary thought, huh?  I believe that God put us on this Earth to serve and love Him above all, and serve and Love our fellow man after that.  Of course, if we all did a perfect job of Loving and serving God, everything else would fall into place.  But, we fall short.  We ALL do.  That point is not controversial.  That’s simple truth.  Granted, some people are total rock stars and love God and other people to near perfection.  And, if you’re telling yourself that you’re one of those people….sorry, but you’re not.  I’m certainly not.  Those folks that are really killin’ it (killin’ it is a good thing) are out there wading hip deep in the World’s real problems and are way too busy to give a second thought about how good of a job they’re doing.  In the end, where I ended up was in a place that I felt called to treat people, all people, much better than I ever have.  I need to make an attempt to spread Love, NOT anger, negativity, judgments, or worry.  Some of you know me well enough to know that there is someone in my life that helps me through this struggle.  Her name is Kacy.  Thanks Love, for all that you do for me.  You make me better every day.  I mean, for goodness sake, she feeds me Tylenol PM like I’m a baby bird.  Of course she doesn’t chew them up first, as that would just be over the top. 

It’s critically important for us to love and be loved.  We must be invested in someone deeply enough to make sacrifices and lose our sense of self.  I’m not referring to infatuations or mere obsessions, but real love.  We may not do it correctly, and often we don’t, but these are certainly some of God’s intentions for us.  As individuals we have a responsibility to decide how we want to treat people.  If we treat people bad, we’re missing the mark and not fulfilling our purpose.  Not fulfilling our moral obligation.  Simply put, make an effort to treat all people better.  It’s our most important calling.  If they’re living a lifestyle that you don’t like, realize that the opposite is likely true (ouch, that one hurt).  Go easy on the guy that’s talking on his phone in traffic.  After all, he may be on the phone with his Doctor and he just learned that he has cancer.  I’ve been there.  Just a bit of advice, however, do steer away from him, as some of us really take the whole “cancer call” pretty badly.  Honking the horn and screaming obscenities just makes you look stupid.  Save that for the McDonald’s drive through when they put onions on what was supposed to be your funk free burger.

Our Pastor, Ty Cross, delivered an excellent sermon a couple of weeks ago.  He made a point that certainly resonated with me.  That point; we must submit our righteousness in order to do what is right.  A quick disclaimer, I want to make clear that what follows are my THOUGHTS on Ty’s message.  Ty conceivably might NOT (and even quite probably WILL NOT) agree with what I’m saying.  Sorry Ty, but your words really got me thinking.  It’s also important to explain that Ty’s message was about Mary’s (Mary being Jesus’s Mom….not the Mary that you went to High School with) pregnancy and her husband Joseph’s response.  Imagine Joseph’s inner thoughts when his wife said, “Hey, although we’ve never….you know….(wink, wink…..waaaiiiit for it)……I’m pregnant!”.  I know what MY reaction would be.  So, we never, uh…you know, “did it”, and you’re pregnant?  I’m on the first bus to Vegas to smoke crack and gamble my savings away.  But, to make a long and obvious story short (think about it, all of those nativity scenes can’t be wrong), Joseph stuck it out, and behold, he ends up with a real gem of a kid in a manger that we all know as Jesus.  Righteousness isn’t inherently wrong.  However, pair it with our human imperfections and you can get some pretty nasty results.  Judgment, contradictions, rigidity, close-mindedness, wars, murder, physical and emotional abuse, pretty much all of the nastiest things on this Earth can be attributed to us, all of us , misusing and abusing our righteousness.  Christianity is simply an easy target.  As a Christian, I don’t believe that we’re the only group that has missed the mark on this one.  Unfortunately, as a whole, we’re the most visible and if we were to grade ourselves we would test out in the lowest 10%, I’m sure.  For you Christians that don’t agree with me, “Hi, my name is reality and I’m here to ‘out’ you”.  And, to direct some of my criticism inward, I’ve got my own issues. I definitely don’t want to come off as an enlightened and special snowflake, because I’m certainly not.  I screw this up every day in my relationships with my friends and loved ones.  Bottom line, it takes work to treat people right, in spite of your own righteousness.  It takes wisdom to know how to balance your faith with a “right” approach to the world.  Be careful how you use your faith.  Example?  Go stand in front of a Wal-Mart and tell everyone within earshot that there was a guy named Jonah that lived in a whale.  Still wondering why people think that Christians are crazy?  I believe in the Righteousness of this topic, however, this is not the right place to start.  Start with Love in your heart, real Love.  Genuine and meaningful dialogue will follow.  It just might surprise you where you end up.  In the words of the legendary “Rufus” in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, “Be excellent to each other.”  If you haven’t seen the movie, the underlying message is genius.  And, remember, as you’re walking down that awkward sidewalk of life, lift your head up and say “hey” every now and again.  Everyone could use a smile, even if they don’t know it yet.

Before Cancer/Chemo

After Cancer/Chemo